ideas and rantings

Well, tomorrow David's sister flies back into town from CA. I know she's going to have problems...because her vehicle has a flat and David didn't help her fix it. Dad's going to have to pull out his air compressor and blow up the tire so she can get to a tire shop just to get it fixed. That's when she lands. Second, David booked a flight for 2:40 and Anthony's photo thing is at 2:00. I offered to reschedule it and David's like no, she can hang out at the airport. Whatever. I'm sooooooooo tired tonight. I'm fried. I'm hoping she's in a hurry to get out of here. We'll see.
I always wondered if I could be a foster mother. This week has proven that I don't have it in me. I also realize that the boy brings out the worst in my son. Christopher constantly says Bryan's lying. Bryan gets so mad. I'm afraid he's going to punch Christopher, but my son is not that kid. I've never seen my son get like this with his best friend. I think Bryan and his best friend are more even tempered and whatever Kyle likes Bryan likes. This week, I've watched everything Christopher likes - Bryan hates, except when they're getting along then Bryan wants to like what Christopher likes.

I think the thing that's making me want to rip out my hair is the insecurity with Christopher. I could be wrong, but I think he tries to make Bryan feel less and then Christopher can feel superior to him, but Bryan is pretty confident in who he is and has been fighting back. I don't know how to deal with this stuff. I don't have two children close in age.

Tonight at 10:45, Chris comes downstairs to say good-night are f'n kidding me? He was supposed to be in bed at 9:00 so I don't know WHAT he was doing for an hour and a half, but I snapped at him and said what are you doing down here? Get to bed. I already told you goodnight. Ugh. it's that stuff...do I snap at him...what is that? Is he manipulating me? I'm done.

Today in the car they were arguing - trying to suck me into their fight which was happening while Anthony was in his car seat just watching both of them with a grin on his face. I yelled at them both and said if either of you hurt the baby, I will pull the car over and whip you! I'm not kidding, and I'll tell your dad/David and he'll whip you both when he gets home. OH!!!! I'm so tired of the fighting. I've tried to let them fight it out. I've tried letting the consequences of their actions...I'm done. David had a "talk" with them tonight. He's an idiot thinking that he is dealing with sane rational people...which neither of them are.
I'm ready to go back to just Bryan, the baby and me. It'll make this summer go by so much easier. I don't know if we're going to have anyone over after they leave...I just want to go do the things we originally planned. I shouldn't post this. It's sooo negative.
I was going to look for ideas for the fall craft fair but I've lost the desire to be happy. Maybe in July I can be less annoyed.

Say a prayer - cross your fingers that baby is feeling good tomorrow for his first photo shoot. :)

English Ning

I woke up and realized that I've already dropped the ball on the whole writing everyday, and I realize that life is not going to allow that indulgence in my world. In my head I hear LOSER, but I also know that if I don't get some sleep - I'm gonna lose it and then my face will be plastered all over the evening news...alert: be on the lookout for crazed mother of 2 - teacher @ Spring Creek. Has popped a blood vessel and went on a shooting rampage @ Wal-Mart about an hour ago...she is considered armed and dangerous. I'm exhausted.
I told Jackie that she can keep the whole stay at home thing. I'm going back to work. Check that...I'm running back to work. I need to get away from those beasts especially the six month old.

Tonight, David booked airline tickets for Lisa and Sierra to fly back next week. I already paid for Christopher to take a class with Bryan the following week, but I'll call Jackie and see if Dallin wants to spend the afternoon in some classes at the Station Crossing because I SURE as hell don't care if the kids leave. I DON'T want them to go back to sleeping in their car. Ugh. I know in my head that Lisa is going to be with this guy Jacob and the guy has got a good job working on the natural gas oil fields (rigs?) and she'll be okay, BUT I also know that before they came down here - she and Christopher were sleeping in her FUBAR car. I just hope that she gets something set up when she gets here so they kids have a place to sleep and a roof over their heads. I know David can separate himself from her crap, but I haven't had a lifetime with her shenanigans and so I'm not exactly immune from her manipulation. I can't see kids living in cars. Can't do it.

Kids need a roof over their head and someone strict as hell at home so they have love, boundaries, food, shelter; yet they hate you and move into their own apartment as soon as they're old enough. I'm all for straightening legs and restricting them. I know that I need to let them grow and breathe and discover things on their own. I'm not so good at that part of parenting. Bryan is going to feel lots of pain in his life, and I'd rather him be mad at me than get hurt. That sounds bad, and maybe the Lisa situation is making me over-protective right now. I know he's excited for Christopher to leave that's for darn sure. He's tired of being told what to do by another person in his life.

So, today, I asked Jackie and Jennifer if they want to do another craft fair...what the HELL is wrong with me? I think I'm a glutton for pain. I really am. I need to call Jane and ask her for some OTHER ideas of stuff to make for the fair. She does things perfectly and I can't live up to her standards BUT she makes things that those bitches who go to craft fairs like. I told Jackie we could get together do some canning - Pepper JELLY boo-yah bitches. I'll ask Jackie- but do people like peach jelly? How about peach and pepper jelly? It's summer and I'm craving peaches again. This year, I'm going to buy a boat load of peaches. I might buy two boxes and make peach and pepper jelly? I wonder if you peaches make good jelly? How about apple / pepper jelly? What about strawberry pepper jelly? I'm going to call my mom and ask her. In her day she used to can the hell out of everything.

Bradley Cooper

I'm watching the Actor's Studio and they have Bradley Cooper who graduated from that program. He' ridiculously good-looking. It's like some people lead a charmed life. That's the vibe I get from him.

My husband gave me grief last night and questioned the fact that I'm writing on my blog. Little does he know that I've been writing on my blog over a year. It's not something that I share with him. It's like a very public place to write private thoughts. It's like taking off your clothes and leaving open the shades. Are you an exhibitionist when people read your blog or are you just another nondescript human sharing your thoughts with others? Too deep. I used to keep a journal. I wasn't disciplined about writing in it. I think my fingers move too slow for my thoughts. I have the same feeling with typing, but I'm trying this write everyday thing. I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't make it but I don't want to throw in the towel in the first week. Okay, five minutes tonight. Twenty on FB...it averages out.
Good night.

Oscar Mayer!

What a weenie. In my world I'm surrounded by the extremes. Very left-leaning liberals and then EXTREMELY right leaning conservatives. The teachers and friends from college are on the left and my parents and some wackos at work on the right. I tend to lean to the right in my personal views, but I can't begrudge anyone their opinion. It's theirs to have. I don't even have to verbally disagree with them. I'm allowed to sit there and listen without commenting; I could get up and leave; I could argue with them, etc. What a great country that I don't HAVE to agree with one side or whatever side is in power. This has got me to thinking about Congressman Weiner...or is it Wiener? I missed how he spells it. Anyway, the libs to my left are all moaning the fact that guy is a douch-bag and sent pictures of his manhood to women on the twitter/FB or whatever social website he was on at the time. The people on my left are like Ah-Ha! Gotcha - part of that comes from how the media likes to lambaste the right wingers when they do something douche-baggy. It's like spitting up in the sky. Tomorrow it'll be someone from the other side and it'll start all over again.

It's like when they called for the moratorium on hate-speech. I heard some down right awful things being said about Sarah Palin this week. After the congresswoman was ambushed in AZ - we were supposed to tone down the rhetoric. I watched a teacher at work basically FOAM at the mouth with vitriol over her hatred for Sarah Palin. By the way, here's where I am truly a feminist. I didn't agree with everything Hillary Clinton stood for, but I told my mom I think I might have voted for her. I still would. I appreciate how she was trashed by the alpha-male morons who hated her and talked just as horrible things about her as they did Sarah and she proved them wrong. She's a fighter. I didn't like everything about her, but she would have been the first female and that's something I would vote for. The day that happens I will change my belief that the world is a boys' club and women sabotage themselves EVERYTIME.

At my mother's house...be careful if you speak ill against Sarah...you might be asked to leave. I'm tired of the hatred that spews.

I wish I could say that I hadn't heard about the nasty congressman from NY...wish I didn't have to see that these people in positions of power are pretty much scum bags and WE voted for people like that. Yuck. I need a shower.

Sister In Laws and the kids

So, David approached me this afternoon and asked me if his nephew Christopher could stay with us while his sister was in California. She's trying to resolve the custody issues with her last born Sierra. I think they slept in the car for the past few nights. Of course the answer is yes. I told David I wanted Christopher here. Lisa is with this guy Brandon. Nice guy. Have absolutely NO idea if they'll make it but he's the latest in a long succession of men. There have been baby daddies. This new guy has a job on the oil rigs in Utah and Colorado? Not sure, but it sounds transient and no life for a woman with three children. Unless, she's getting his checks and living off of him. I hope she's not. We'll see.

Her first child has been raised by this lady, Kim. I saw Destiny when she was a baby before Lisa went to rehab/prison. She had Christopher WHILE she was in rehab/prison. I think it was rehab first incarceration second. It's been 10 years so my memory is fuzzy. David and I had only been married for three or four years when this happened, and I was focused on our lives not the in-laws. Anyway, the third one Sierra wasn't a drug baby or anything like that but this one is a real asshole, and of course Lisa just keeps going on and on about how good he is with his daughter. Forget the fact that he's dealing drugs out of this house he stays at and there's low-lives wandering in and out and ALL hours of the day. Forget the fact, that he tried to RIP THE DOORS OFF OF HER CAR. Yeah, the car is totally FUBAR because it looks like someone tried to RIP THE DOORS OFF THE G-D CAR!!

So, tonight Christopher proudly ANNOUNCED that his father is finally out of prison. Scared the holy hell out of Bryan. Bryan was like what did he do? Is he a bad person? Love my son. Poor guy. It's just so not a world that he's been exposed to or can understand. Partly because his mother works with "bad" kids. At least that's what he hears when he hears jail. Also, he has no idea the difference between jail and prison. Little does my son know that prison in my view is WAY worse than jail. Not that jail is a trifle matter, but someone could go to jail for a night for drinking and driving. When you get to prison you're past that point. Anyway, tonight was eye opening.

Christopher asked if he could get on the Internet. I told him no. I'm not sure I want him going to FB and telling his Dad where he is now. I REALLY DON'T want Dad at our doorstep.

Finally, I yelled at Christopher and Bryan tonight. It's going to be a long few weeks and today was day one. It'll be okay.

Really great seminar

So, I went to this really good seminar presented by Penny Kittle. She challenged us to write everyday this summer. So far, I haven't done it, but tonight as I was perusing FB and looking at emails and thinking about what I learned I remembered this website she said was great for English teachers. It's English Companion.ning.com or something like that. I wrote it down - highlighted it etc. etc. So, I was looking at the site tonight after I was finally approved to enter - you have to apply for admission. Ain't it always the case?
Anyway, she has a blog on there and that got me to thinking about my blog and the challenge. I'm hoping that I make time every day. I'm not sure if I'll make it, but 15 minutes a day to write. The only way to get better is to do it. That's what I tell the kids. I guess I better shut up or put up. Does the 15 minutes count when you spend 7 minutes just looking up your password logins?

Okay, one more little note. On her blog about writing everyday, Penny posted the following (it was one more push to get me going):
I wanted to share this list of writing rules that Don Murray sent me in 2006. As you know, we lost him on Dec. 30 of that year. His rules are the rules of a lifetime writer, and so instructive for all of us following along behind.

MY RULES – TODAY Donald M. Murray

1. nulla dies sine linea – Never a day without a line. Horace 65-8 BC.
To write you have to set up a routine, to promise yourself that you will write. Just state in a loud voice that you will write so many pages a day, or write for so many hours a day. Keep the number of pages or hours within reason, and don't be upset if a day slips by. Start again; pick up the routine.
Don't look for results. Just write, easily,quietly.Janwilliam van de Wetering

2. “Write about what makes you different,” Sandra Cisneros.

3. Lower your standards until you can write.

I believe that the so-called "writing block" is a product of some kind of disproportion between your standards and your performance....one should lower his standards until there is no felt threshold to go over in writing. It's easy to write. You just shouldn't have standards that inhibit you from writing……I can imagine a person beginning to feel he's not able to writeup to that standard he imagines the world has set for him. But to me that's surrealistic. The only standard I can rationally have is I'm meeting right now...You should be more willing to forgive yourself. It doesn't make any difference if you are good or bad today.The assessment of the product is something that happens after you've done it.
William Stafford

4. Write to start writing.
If writing a book is impossible, write a chapter.
If writing a chapter is impossible, write a page.
If writing a page is impossible, write a paragraph.
If writing a paragraph is impossible, write a sentence.
If writing a sentence is impossible, write a word and teach yourself everything there is to know about that word and then write another, connected word and see where the connection leads.
Richard Rhodes

5. Write to discover what you have to say.

I believe that fiction feeds on itself, grows like a pregnancy. The more you write, the more there is to draw from; the more you say, the more there is to say.
The deeper you go into your imagination,the richer that reservoir becomes.
You do not run out of material by using all that's in you; rather,when you take everything that is available one day,it only makes room for new things to appear the next... You don't need to know a whole book in order to write the first page. You don't even need to know the end of the first page. You need only the desire to create something that will say what you feel needs to be said, however vague its format the beginning. You need a willingness to discover the wealth and wisdom of your own subconscious,and to trust that it will tell you what to do an dhow to do it – not all at once, but as needed, step by step.
You have to take a deep breath, let go of your usual control, and then begin walking in the dark.
Elizabeth Berg

6. Write out loud. Hear what you are writing before you see it and revise with your ear. Let your voice instruct.

7. Don’t correct error. Build on what works, extending by layering, writing over what you have written so it deepens, grows stronger, reminds you of what you didn’t know you knew.

8. Writing is a visual art. Write what you see. When you are stuck, begin with description.
When I construct a scene, I don't describe the hundredth part of what I see; I see the characters scratching their noses, walking about, tilting back in their chairs -- even after I've finished writing-- so much so that after a while I feel a weariness which does not derive all that much from my effort of imagination but is more like a visual fatigue: My eyes are tired from watching my characters.
Graham Greene

9. Fail.
Writing is built on instructive failure as you attempt to say what you do not yet know in a way you have never said it before.
Fail.
Fail again.
Fail better.
Samuel Beckett

10. Write fast -- write badly -- so you will write what you don’t yet know you knew -- and so you will outrun the censor within is all.
However much the writer might long to be in his work, simple, honest, straightforward, these virtues are no longer available to him. He discovers that in being simple, honest, straightforward, nothing much happens: he speaks the unspeakable, whereas we are looking for the as-yet-unspeakable, the as-yet-unspoken.Writing is a process of dealing with not-knowing,a forcing of what and how. We have all heard novelists testify to the fact that, beginning a new book, they are utterly baffled as to how to proceed, what should be written and how it might be written, even though they've done a dozen.At best there is a slender intuition, not much greater than an itch.
Donald Barthelme

11. Know tomorrow’s task at the end of the writing morning. Let the subconscious do the writing.

12. Finish. Submit. Many have talent. Some begin; few finish.

The field is left to those of us who have little talent and great stubbornness....it isn't "talent" which is so important to a writer....The most important assets, I believe, are those associated with mules – a kind of stubbornness to get it done, to make it right, to make it better, and grit –not to quit -- and even narrowness of purpose,a euphemism for being almost dumbly dedicated to accomplishing something.
Theodore Weesner

Friends of Friends on Face Book

So, while the baby was sleeping and I couldn't, I decided to look at recommendations for FB friends. I wonder who they might know that I've forgotten. There are a few friends that I've never found on FB. I often wonder if they just haven't gotten the FB bite or maybe they got married and I don't know their last name or maybe they just don't want to be found. Anyway, while I was looking at my recommendations, I ran across the photo of this girl that I CAN NOT stand and underneath it said 20+ friends in common. That got me to thinking...there are 20+ other people that are friends with her, but she is someone I despise. Maybe I need to rethink the other 20+ people. Won't happen because I like the other 20+ friends - just not her, but then I thought about something another friend of mine said...who happens to be one of the 20+ friends that we're supposed to be nice to our enemies. I don't know, I'm not a good Christian much less good Catholic, but I haven't let go of old resentments.

Lent is around the corner...I see lots of fish in my future...maybe this is the time for me to try to let go of that anger (?) resentment (!). I've decided to give up the three C's - cookies, candy, chocolate. It'll probably be good for the baby and breast milk...I need another b...oh it'll be a benefit. Anyway, my Lenten sacrifice - cookies, candy, and chocolate and something that I've been hanging onto for too long...resentment. We'll see if I'm an emotional hoarder or not.