I think I figured some things out

Do you ever have that epiphany and realize, ah-ha this is how I got here? I sorta had that moment this week/weekend.
On Friday, I had a long overdue blow out with my Mom over my Dad. My Dad hasn't been talking to me because of some perceived slight on my part. To be honest, I had a REALLY bad week a few weeks ago and I wasn't overly nice much less polite around my family. My brother showed up at the house, and I really DID NOT want to talk or hang out with them. So, I got up to go. I talked to my brother for a couple minutes, but before I left my Dad said, "That's okay, we know you don't love your brother." I thought, what kind of crappy-ass emotional bombshell was that? My mom gave Dad hell and told him to knock it off. He said it again because I think I stopped and gave him a dumb stare. Like, did you really mean that? This all occurred a few weeks ago.
On Friday, I called my mom to talk - Dad went in for colon cancer treatment today. He's too damn fat to have the cancer cut out so they are putting these radiation things in his colon. Oh, yeah, that's going to be a whole lot of fun over Thanksgiving when that's the only conversation topic with him. And Christmas. And Valentine's Day. Let's face it, when it comes to your parents and their ailments, that's all they got. There's not a whole lot for them to talk about. Literally, it consumes their every day events. I don't blame them, getting old sucks like hell and I see that they have to concentrate on their health. It's a full-time job, but I also see some of the stuff that my dad does to himself. He was supposed to lose weight. He lost some, but guess what, when you're obese they won't do surgery which would be the best option in regards to cancer, so instead of getting rid of it we have to avoid him. If I were pregnant, which I'm not, I would have needed to avoid him for six months. Anyway, I digress.
My mom told me that my dad was really hurt. And for once I told her, I don't give a damn. You can insert my sailor style of talk in there because that's what I really said, but yelling on the phone when you're mad sounds a lot better than in the light of day printed on a blog page. I went off. I should have yelled at my dad because really that's who needs to hear this stuff, but it doesn't really work like that. So, I de-facto yelled at my dad via mom. I lost it, and afterward I felt awful, but in a good way.
I realized that I am not going to change my parents, but you know what, I don't care anymore. If my dad is going to be a selfish ass then I'm not going to feel sorry for him. My mom tried to guilt me with, what if something happened to him?! I thought, it didn't occur to him to pay any attention to what was going on with me, so why should I bother? My mom taught me too well, when it came to worrying about others. This comes from a woman who would not eat dinner until my father was home. She would wait hours before serving herself dinner...it's just the way she was raised.
My brother figured all this out A LONG TIME AGO. He left home at 18 and never came back. I always thought I was smarter than my brother but in some ways he understood our parents better than I ever have.
So on Friday, I felt like I ran myself through the emotional wringer, but hopefully I won't put my self thru it again and again. I think I've had enough rinse and repeat...rinse and repeat...rinse and repeat...

Open House Night @ school

So, my black ops swat commando training kicked in tonight @ my son's school. I realized about 10 minutes into the whole situation that A) my son did not have the same stuff on his desk as ALL OF THE OTHER DESKS in the room and B) his name is incorrectly spelled ALL OVER THE ROOM. I noticed the other night on his take home folder that his name was spelled incorrectly, and I wrote the correct version on the cover. I asked B. first and he said that was OK. I think the thing the bothered me was that it's not his name. Is it a big deal? How would you feel if you got business cards but they spelled your name incorrectly? Would you still use the cards or would you return them and have them printed properly? Again, maybe I'm super sensitive.

Anyway, the teacher apologized for the error and explained that she got his name THE DAY BEFORE school started and she received the incorrect spelling. His desk was added at the last minute and she didn't have anymore of the alphabet / number strips to tape to his desk.

OK, now I'm going to lose it here...so if you have delicate sensibilities you may want to stop there. First, my son has been going to that school for 2 years. In his third year (Pre-k, Kindergarten and now first grade) I would expect the main office to know HOW TO SPELL OUR GOD BLESS AMERICA NAME. I'm a broken record...they had NO problem cashing our check, but they couldn't find B.'s name? Ooh, my blood is starting to boil again. I really don't blame the teacher, as this has nothing to do with her. Well, it did put her in a bad situation with an irate parent. OK. I'm trying to be done with this, but again, I don't feel like this is how I wanted my son to be treated.
Next, there are two home-room moms this year. Last year there was this woman who was in charge of setting up parties and all that jazz. She's OK, but I'm kind of a pushy broad like that's some big surprise and up-in-it moms make me nutty.
Anyway, this year, the pushy mom tried to get me to sign up for disinfecting the classroom. I'm like, um yeah, that's not going to work. So sorry...not. I do not want to wipe snot off of every surface in a room of 6 year olds. Ugh. no thanks.

OK, I'm done complaining for now. This blog has taken on an entirely negative tone. I've got to find something to smile about...it's Friday for Yahweh's sake!

Weekends

Right now, I have two boys being entertained by cartoons and video games. Guess which one is the adult. I could play this game every weekend. It seems that my son loves watching Scooby-Doo on Sundays and my husband loves vegging out on video games. I can't begrudge either of them since I went out and played on Saturday.

Speaking of Saturday, I was so glad I went to see the movie, The Time Traveler's Wife (TTW). I have to say that I forgot a lot of details from the book and so there were surprises for me. Or, the director took poetic license with the story and changed a bunch of stuff around to make the movie work. Either way, I forgot enough of the book to enjoy the movie very much. I read TOO fast when I'm engrossed in a story and I forget story lines and details after I devour a book. I probably couldn't pass a comprehension test based on books that I've read since I skip parts too. I recently read Prodigal Summer and I did the same thing with that book. That book should really be turned into movie. It's just as good as TTW and has some really great characters...instead of Street Fighter IV - The mystery of Chin lee or Sawed XII. Sorry, I guess I'm not the main demographic for movie makers, but lately old timer movies have been pretty good with Julie & Julia and TTW. I want to see 500 days of Summer, but I may wait to rent that. I don't always like Indie films. They get a little too loosey goosey with production values or dialogue. Or they try to be avaunt-guard and I'm SO not that. Anyway...

One of the things that I enjoyed in the TTW and I remember about the book was the fighting between the couple. I believe the author really understood how married couples work and she didn't write the perfect couple, but one that argues and does hurtful things to each other, yet it wasn't a Mr. & Mrs. Smith (Jolie/Pitt) type of hurt each other, but a relationship with warts and all. The movie gave it a good Hollywood gloss with the starry-eyed lovers, but at one point in the movie, Claire's resentments come bubbling to the forefront. She wants a normal life and that's not how life worked out for her. I liked that moment. I forgot about the acting in that moment and I could see a real couple on the screen. I appreciated that sometimes life isn't just a bowl of cherries where everything works out perfect for the couple in the end. I guess I'm OK with the not so happily ever after. The ending was TOTALLY screwed up from the book and that I do remember and I don't know why the director ended it that way, but up until that moment, I was hook line sinker into the movie, and for me the screwed up ending doesn't diminish that I really enjoyed the movie.

Speaking of screwed up endings...Martin Scorsese made a movie with Jack Nicholson a few years ago....the name of it has escaped me...but it was a really GREAT double cross / mafia/ corruption at all levels type of movie. It really had me on the edge of the seat, but then again when does Jack Nicholson disappoint. Well he didn't but M. Scorsese sure did. This movie was great up until the last 5 minutes and then all hell breaks loose and he kills off everyone. It was so absurd. I thought maybe he painted himself into a creative corner, and didn't know how to end it. Who knows, maybe that screwy ending was his intention all along, but it sucked to watch all the baloney after enjoying a really solid movie. It's like going to a really nice restaurant and having a great meal and instead of enjoying a dessert, the waiter comes and sits with you and joins your conversation. You feel like this isn't why I came to this restaurant, and it doesn't take away from the meal you just ate, but going forward, you're no longer enjoying the place.

OK, no great revelations about anyone this week. I'll have to save another day to contmplate type of day...maybe on a rainy day...right now it's just too damn hot to keep writing.

Found out that I can blog while at work

I got an email today that mentioned my blog and while I'm not one to take time from my employer, I had to see if it would work at work...voila...I'm on baby.
I won't write a long missive (is that the word?), but let's just say that I'm back at work and I've decided that I get why a lot of teachers don't DO summer school.
One little story. We work with a teacher that I won't name to protect the innocent and myself. She complained to me that the new schedule is brutal for her. She has 4 classes in a row. I mentioned that another teacher also has 4 classes in a row. When I mentioned that fact, she said "Oh well someone has to do it. I'm just exhausted every day." I don't remember trying to give her a brutal schedule. At the time, my main thought was to make all the pieces fit like a puzzle, but now that I have the bit of information...it made me smile. Happy Friday.

Now here's something you'll really enjoy

Well, this is something that you should enjoy. After much hoopla and ballyhoo B. started first grade today. I didn't know how that was going to work. After my melt down last year in the parking lot and being called an amateur by Ms. Coil, I was concerned that I would have another Hallmark movie moment this year. I will admit that tears kinda flowed today, but for totally different reasons. I should say that when tears come (and boy I can cry with the best of them...Tammy Faye ain't got nothin' on me) usually I cry at movies and the realization that time is so fleeting and I'm missing it. Anyway, on Sat. we went to B. school and discovered that he didn't have a desk or a paper apple with his name on it. We paid the tuition in April or May, and they had no problem cashing the check, but they couldn't add him to a roster? When it's first grade that kind of crap is important (to me). I ran into the teacher's aid (from last year and who is the aid for first grade this year) and asked her what was up.

She told us we weren't on the roster, but she'd take care of it. She did - desk and all were ready to go. I was still kinda fuming from Sat. this morning, and when I got there I watched my son walk around the room searching for a desk with his name on it...I about jumped up the teacher's a** and pulled a Shirley Maclaine and screamed, "Where's my baby's DESK...HE NEEDS IT NOW...NOT in 5 minutes...NOW" About the time I felt my temperature rise the teacher realized some other little punk kid had sat at B. seat. The kid wanted to sit there to be next to his friend that was the desk next to B's desk.
Anyway, the teacher realized the error and had the kid move so B. could set his stuff down. I thought, OMG I will tear the teacher's throat out if she dismisses my child in any way shape or form. I'm not a helicopter parent...I'm the Navy SEAL pulling a black ops mission in the helicopter. It wasn't a good realization, but it made me angry that I had to be concerned that my child wouldn't have a chair on the first day and feel left out.

Is it the look on my kid's face when he's searching for a desk with his paper apple on it that stresses me out... or is it the pit in my stomach when I realize that I can't make a paper apple appear and I will take someone out if they slight my kid? To that I say...Not on my watch!

Start of a new year

I've been trying to stay positive today. I was looking forward to this school year. I finally finished induction and have been in the district longer than 3 years. I felt like I had it made in the shade this year.

Today, I had a really bad moment and I told Sharie I was out of there. I went to my mom's house and laid down for about 2 hours. Tonight I asked God to take it out of my hands and tell me what I'm supposed to learn from today. I will say that I am blessed to work with the people at SC and to have the kind of boss that I can say hey, I'm not feeling well. I'm leaving. And for all of that- I'm thankful.

Tonight, I need to stop feeling so defeated, sad and scared...and really sorry for myself. I know it'll pass and I will keep praying that everything will work out the way it is supposed to work out.

summer fun

Today went to see Julie and Julia. Enjoyable movie and for once I didn't blubber all over Jennifer. Meryl Streep rocks the crap out of this movie. She does in every movie. She's like this chameleon that you forget is not the real person but the actress, and you have to remind yourself that she really isn't Julia Childs. So, in the movie, the other story is about a woman who decides her life is in a rut -blah blah blah - she writes a blog about her experiences. I laughed because I remembered that I started a blog this summer. When the hubby says she's narcissistic because of the blog. I thought wow, I don't know if I'm that selfish, but it made me think. I really enjoyed the movie today w/Jenn.



Afterwards we went to La Baguette for a late afternoon lunch. EVEN THOUGH THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT WAS EMPTY...the only patron to come in after us chose to sit down in the chair DIRECTLY behind me and of course she had to push her chair right up against mine. I thought Wow, is it me or is the entire restaurant EMPTY? It was funny, but I think I spoke my mind too loudly because when the lady got up to leave she said you can have your space back. Wasn't that kind of her!

The You Tube Vid that brings a smile to your face

You gotta smile at that kind of joy at a wedding. Snicker if you want, but I think these are fun and happy people.

Best Wedding Dance Ever - Forever - Chris Brown

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

Birthdays

Today, I had a V-8 slap my head moment. Why did I sign my son up for group lessons? This kid isn't learning anything...in fact...I would argue that he's moving backwards. We went swimming with Kyle - B's best friend - and he had a good time. He wouldn't go under the water but he got more into it as time went on and that's when it hit me. He won't do things in a group, but I think he'd try if it was a one on one situation. All I know is I need to remind myself when summer rolls around next year and look for individual lessons. The group thing is for the birds. What else. I'm not ready for summer to end. I could use another week. I have a lot of stuff I want to do with B. and there's just never enough time..ah well.

So yesterday was my 40th birthday. It was quiet and we did nothing and that's what I wanted.
Oh, and it was also my 12th wedding anniversary. After 12 years together, my husband finally gets it. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, or be responsible in any way.


I really need to get crackin' on next year's plans. It's going to be a whole new schedule for me next year. I don't have journalism and I think I have all different groups of kids. For all I know the schedule could change again by the time school starts.

Summer Reading and Fine Young Americans

I just read a blog from my friend Coil, and it reminded me of an article I read this morning. First about her blog. She talked about books that we've read after doing a library search. go to her blog to read more: jennysfreckles.blogspot.com (I hope she doesn't mind - I'm sure she'll give me scornful looks if it does).
Anyway, she lamented that we should create a staff library filled with books for us because our fine young Americans don't appreciate all of the great books in the school library. It really is pretty good. We receive books from the state librarian and our Principal-Mr. Dan let's us buy books when he has extra funds (tell me what schools have that kind of monetary discretion - suck it public school monkeys). So, she mentioned that a lot of the books she's read come from the school library. I should tell her that we have a request list that we give to the state librarian twice a year and we should go through Borders Books sometime and put them on the request list. Do you think the state librarian would get suspicious if we requested stuff like Picasso at the Lapin Agile?

So, on to the article...I was reading the Gazette this morning and on the front page was this story about this English teacher (Air Academy or one of the schools on the north side of town) that keeps in touch with her students over the summer via the Internet. She had a few kids that weren't logging in for the summer reading and discussions and she contacted the parents etc. etc. The article says one was in Hawaii blah blah blah. She said it's given her kids a head start. Some do the summer reading right away in June and some wait until like now to get their summer reading accomplished. The article talked about advanced placement kids in art had better be sketching all summer long and the AP history kids have a 40+ page paper due on the first day of school. Again more blah blah blah, but it got me thinking. I don't know if that was the best thing for these kids. Some of the summer reading listed were things like the Bible and the Quaran. I wondered was it the whole Bible or was it just excerpts. Plus, did they have to buy a prayer rug or rosary beads...just curious. Anyway, I don't know these schools and I only have my FY Americans as a reference, but I'm kinda glad I don't deal with those kids.

Critics say that teachers have summers off and they don't work hence the low wages, but after reading this article, it sounded like these teachers do a lot of work on their time in the summer. I could be wrong, but contacting kids and parents during the summer when you know they'd rather be doing anything other than summer reading lists. My kids spend the summer trying to avoid the cops but end up coming back in the fall when they don't go to school. It's a wicked cycle. I can't imagine the kids where I work worrying about completing a summer reading list.

On a side note, I read an article about how the new Sec'y of Education's new platform is moving to a performance pay scale and promoting charter schools. Where I work that would be kind of a Catch-22 suck for me. Half of our students are only with us a short while 2 days or 2 weeks or sometimes 2 months. The other half of our students are with us apprx. 9mos to 1 year. About half of one percent of our students are of age and eligible to complete their GED - next to none are eligible to graduate with a high school diploma. One problem with this scenario is that they stopped going to school when they were freshmen or sophomores in HS (some stop going in 7th / 8th grade). If we are paid for performance what would be our criteria? Residents improve their ability to hot wire a car in under 1 minute or would we be judged on the number of residents who graduate to adult incarcerations? Too much sarcasm there, but it really is unfortunate if our district moves to that type of pay scale.

Worrying for nothing

Sometimes we project our fears onto our child and sometimes I think we try not to so much that are surprised when they freak out. Yesterday was a bad day for B and me. B. went to swimming lessons in the morning, and I thought since we finally have a nice day why don't we go to the pool after lunch to have fun and practice some of the stuff he's learning.
Let's just say, I had parents and the lifeguard thinking I was an abusive mother and no, I didn't lay a hand on my child. I wanted to throttle him like Homer Simpson would Bart, but no, I was dying a thousand embarrassing deaths while my son screamed that he was going to drown a thousand times. I was mean and told him that I never wanted to go swimming with him again and from now on that I would drop him off at nana/papa's while I went to have fun and then he drove the dagger in my heart when he said ok, I'm a bad boy. It is amazing how easily he won the emotional battles with me, and in the end I felt really horrible for trying to do something that was a lost cause, and I could have avoided it.
After that incident, I tried to repair the situation and just have fun. He wouldn't let me touch him, but we did play shark (someone is it), and we also played Sponge Bob- he does a great Squidword (I think that's the character's name)...anyway, it ended up better than it started but I would still re-do that first half-hour if I could. So, then last night, I started worrying about something else...
David took B. to the dentist this morning to get his tooth pulled. I expected/worried that I would get the Oliver Twist pitiful and abused orphan coming home. Instead I got a happy pain-free child (thanks tylenol) who informed me that the tooth fairy had to give him lots of money for a PULLED tooth. I asked if there were deductions for the cavity...