Carla's Blogs

Carla's kids

2011-07-27T01:03:00.000-07:00

How much have I written

2011-07-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about my summer writing. Pitiful. Do I give myself a break since I have a 7mo. old at home? Do I let myself slide since my worthless sister in law dropped her 10 yr. old son off for almost a month - who made my life and Bryan's life miserable for most of the time? Do I get to whine that since Bryan broke his arm and we were stuck with the extra kid that I have been whiny - tired - and over all bleh? I still have a few weeks before school starts. I need to go swimming. I want to have some fun. I need to get a break from the baby...that's for sure. I think I need to take Bryan swimming for some alone time with my son. I think I gave up on the writing thing because no matter what ...there's always going to be something I Should be doing and there will never be enough time to spend to write everyday. I guess I have to figure out what is more important live with my priorities. So, I didn't write most days this summer. So what. I got some things done...and a lot of things that I wish I would get off my duff and just do...but I'm going to live with my choices and be happy that I had a summer at all! Now, if I could just take advantage of what's left of it then I'll have something to write about when I have to tackle that "what I did this summer essay". Okay, so I'm not 12 years old - but I need a good story to go back to school with.

So far I have the following;
fantasize about smacking my sister in law
fantasize about flying to the beach for a month sans kids
fantasize about all the things I said I was going to do but didn't this summer

relish the time I went to the hot springs at Mt. Princeton...make plans to do that again NEXT summer. (Make Jackie go with me next year!)

re-read the Harry Potter Deathly Hallows books and re-watch HP DH 1 & 2.

Make plans for NEXT summer - to include but not limited to the following:
sign Bryan up for guitar lessons next summer
sign Bryan up for SWIMMING lessons this fall and next summer
plan to make plans for ways to waste our summer.

Independence Day

2011-07-04T21:45:00.000-07:00

This weekend I learned the History of the English Language in 10-:60 second snippets. Boy those french with their beef and venison and pork instead of cow, deer and pig. No matter how much lipstick you put on it...it's still a pig. Anyway, I knew that shpeel but not nearly as concise or pithy. I think I'll show it to the kids...we could analyze the different words that came from that influence and maybe think of some others. Might be fun. Hopefully, we don't get stuck on the Jutes and Angles or the Saxons. Rock on English-ites.

So, today is 4th of July. My sister in law started to tell some of her bullshit about why she didn't want to be with this guy Jacob. I just stood there making a bottle for the baby. I smiled at her and I didn't say one stinkin' word. I was upstairs putting the baby to sleep and to be honest...I prayed about WHAT to say to her. I wanted to yell at her and tell her where to get off, but I sat there looking at my son's baby quilt hanging in his room and I didn't know what I SHOULD say. What I wanted to do and should do were two very different things. Then, this afternoon, I went online and I wrote down EVERY single phone number and address for every shelter I could find. I didn't write down the ones that said no kids or men only...beyond that I wrote it down. I also wrote down the number and address for Peak Vista. Did you know that you can get free medical care and dental care. They schedule surgeries like once a month and I'm sure there's a waiting list but come on IT'S FREE MEDICAL AND DENTAL care. I had to pause when I saw that. My cousin Marci works at Peak Vista she said they're dead this time of year because they're next to a school, most people only bring their children there when school is in session. I think you have to be a resident of that school district (Harrison 2), but I digress. Anyway, David handed her the list of phone numbers and she said she had some lady's phone number in her purse. Later in the evening, I heard her mumbling into the phone. I don't know if she's talking to this guy that she was going to leave or someone else?? Who knows! Who cares. I don't know if she was expecting David to hand her a list of phone numbers and addresses for homeless shelters. I don't know if she really is going to go to a shelter or if she's bluffing. All I know is that I'm tired and I don't want the extra kids running through my house.

I feel like Bryan gets all jealous of anything Christopher gets and now I feel like when Christopher doesn't like what I'm telling him he goes to his mom to get the answer he wants. David told him to go to bed at 8:30 tonight. At 9:00 I shouted for them to brush their teeth and go to bed. Chris argued with me - I yelled BRUSH YOUR TEETH AND GO TO BED. He waited for his mom to come in from smoking...ugh...and she said just do it Christopher. I want to kick this kid in the A** soooooooo baddddddddddddd! Bryan now asks why every time I tell him to do something. He's going to get a kick in the keester and that's fer DA** sure.

Anyway, David said he's not feeling well. Felt sick. Makes me angry. I am NOT going to be left alone to deal with his sister and her kids bullshit. I have to cuss...yes...it's bullshit. I'm not going to do it. I just hope that she decides that this Jacob guy is better than a homeless shelter because I'm done. Oh look, her kids are asleep and she's out smoking at 11 at night. going back and forth-opening/closing the squeaky back door. If she wakes up the kid - I'm kicking her ass, David's ass and her little ones' ass just for good measure.

Her little one was punching her brother because he patted her on the head and she didn't like it. I grabbed her up and told her to say sorry - because we don't hit. I WANT to hit her kids...I didn't say I DID it...anyway, she saw momma - big ol' crocodile tears came out...I picked her up and said - oh no you don't. You're not getting out of this one. I said...say you're sorry and I'll let you down...I got the...huh...huh...(tears, gasps for air, cries for momma)...sooooowwwwrryyyy. Christopher tried to argue with me that he hurt her and it was okay for her to punch him. That little asshole - wants to argue with me no matter. Okay, one more cuss for the night...the little motherfucker. I told him to zip it...this is about her and her behavior. I'm not putting up with her shit. Okay...I gotta quit. I'm gonna have to go to confession for my sailor's mouth!

Anyway, raise your kids to be assholes...I don't care. I don't have to put up with it in my house and I'm not going to put up with it after tomorrow. I need to pray for a cleaner tongue in my head and for the right words to say. I don't want to say something in anger. I need to be clear-headed and do the right thing. I keep wondering...am I supposed to let her into our home. What's the right thing to do here? Am I letting the devil into my heart when I want to say...Lisa, I'm sorry that a shelter sounds like a better option than living with Jacob, but we need you to gather your stuff and leave. Please call us when you have an address or find a shelter. Good luck. Is she betting that we let her stay because of the kids? I don't know if I can take her kids for another week? Is that where I'm failing? Should we let her stay because of the kids. Ugh...I hate it and you know what...I understand Michele, but I want to tell Lisa that she can easily choose Jacob over a shelter and this is her choice.

$$.

2011-06-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

So, I got this recommendation about a website for students/adults to get recommendations for books. It's like Borders built a site all about you...goodreads.com. I need to navigate it before I totally get it. Plus, I haven't listed all of my books. I better not get some crappy recommendations just because I went through that darn Stephen King phase. Anywho...

My sister in law is coming tomorrow. I want to tell David that his sister is a scam artist and she's shaking him down for money. I want to tell him to tell her to get the hell off my lawn and don't let the door hit you in the a** on the way out. I want to tell him a lot of things...but I won't. I want him to recognize that my family through ugly times and good times - they love our children more than they love me :). They will always help us out in ANY form the can. That my parents are going to need us when hit advanced ages. I want David to realize that we do for each other because they do for us. It'll never be about

Father's Day and more unexpected news

2011-06-16T21:51:00.000-07:00

So, I logged into work email and found out three of our four students passed the GED and to be fair one girl was taken out of GED because was removed from pod and put on a pod that didn't allow her to attend my class. She said she was struggling with math and that's the subject she failed. It was a consequence of her decisions and actions that resulted in her removal, but I feel for the kid. I seriously doubt, however, that a few months in my class can take a student with 4th grade math skills to passing the GED...it's a WHOLE lot of info to cover in a short amount of time and a person doesn't just pick it up. It's like this class is a refresher. You may have learned it in the 8th or 9Th grade and you've forgotten it but you knew it at one point.

Anyway, I've decided that the minute Bryan and Christopher start arguing they are going to be banned from playing together. Today, Bryan started to throw a pouting fit and I yanked him up by his shirt collar and yelled at him. Scared the hell out of him and me too. I HATE when I get mad at Bryan like that. It's not good for him and it just makes me feel bad. I think I'm PMSing and yes, I think some months are worse than others and yes, it makes me angry.

It doesn't help that I found out today that David's sister WON'T be back for at least two more weeks. She said that her ex took the baby and won't give her back. My first question is Why did he have the baby in the first place? When she got the baby back after the last court deal - the baby's throat was so infected the baby could hardly swallow and had to get her medicine etc. WHAT in the hell is she doing letting him take the baby for a few days before she leaves? I won't say this to David, BUT I WILL BET ANYTHING that she wanted to take a few days to go party and say good-bye to all of her friends and then she couldn't find the loser SOB of a dad and then she was in a tough spot OR she wasn't ready to come back so quick so she told him to take her for however many days and it wasn't when she was due to leave so she makes up the story to cover her arse.

When she called David, she was acting all put out like nobody is willing to help her. David was like WTH are you talking about? Jacob is paying for you to fly back and forth for your kid to deal with a custody issue that SHOULD HAVE BEEN DEALT WITH BEFORE YOU LEFT...but ya didn't so he's now paying $400 to fly you back and David's Aunt is bending over backwards to help her reschedule her flight. All of these people are trying to help and she's mad because she's not getting what SHE WANTS. whatever! She was mad because her boyfriend hadn't reloaded a pre-paid debit card for her to use while she was out in CA but instead sent the money to his mom's house where she's out there. David pointed out that she didn't have an address to mail the money to and that's where she currently is and the poor guy was in the process of setting up direct deposit with this company and took a few days. He LITERALLY just started working with this company. She's mad because her mom doesn't have money to give her or won't give her. Another aunt of hers told her that she wouldn't give her money because she disagreed with her lifestyle. Oh, but you have to know that D's sister called one of their aunts and asked her for money from her will because at their grandmother's funeral the aunt mentioned that she wanted to leave some money to her. So D's sister calls the aunt to tell her that she's in the processing of moving to CO and wanted to see if she would give her the money now that the aunt mentioned leaving to her. When the aunt told her no, D's sister started to argue with her about it. David was like...it's her money...you don't have a right to ask her for it.

I feel like I'm talking about a drug addict. When I try to describe her to my parents, I don't know HOW to explain her b.s. and you have to know that it's all b.s. It's like this selfishness. David wants to help her, but he really doesn't want that crud in our life. He's freaking out. I told David that it's his turn to lose it...I'm calm. What his sister doesn't realize is that if she thinks she's going to come and live off of us she's totally high. If she stays here longer than a week, I'm going to introduce her to Carl Arnold. She hasn't met my family. They will get you employment...my mother and father are the king and queen of nags and helpers. If you're around them for any length of time...oh, you're in for it. You will be going to school and working before you know it. About two blocks from our house is Del Taco, Wal-Mart, Taco Bell and across Powers is Wendy's. I don't care if she has to work three jobs to make it full-time, but she has no excuse about not working. Every time I pull up to Wendy's or Del Taco...there's a new Now Hiring sign. I know the economy sucks, but there's work - even if it's flipping burgers she can get off her ass and go to to work. There's a day care right off of galley that stays open until 6pm and you can get discounts for day care if you're on welfare etc...and you know his sister is on welfare so guess what...between my parents, me and the day care center she'll have PLENTY of babysitters available...so no excuses little girl...get off yer arse and find an f'n job. Plus, she has a vehicle. It sucks, but it runs. Anyway, I'm hoping she leaves soon after arrival, but she was already opening the door about how people keep saying she should just stay with her brother, but she doesn't want to screw that up. David said, he's not saying one word to her. He doesn't want her to think that there's an opening for her to move in.

Ugh, I'm done...two more weeks. We'll see.

GED

2011-06-15T23:23:00.000-07:00

Well, one of my co-workers who handles the transition services for the school forgot to register the kids for the GED test. I wouldn't know it other than the fact the counselors noted it in their meeting notes how the school didn't register them so this other lady had to. It's embarrassing when we drop the ball because they like to send out their notes to EVERYONE. They NEVER GET our emails but the minute we forget something - here's the spotlight to shine on it.

I'm sure Dan will not be happy but we'll see how big a deal the director makes/made over this...in other words; let's see how much of a sh** storm will rain down on on our boss? It may be only a sprinkle but the wording in the meeting notes was obviously snide.

So looking forward for the next two weeks to FLY BY!!

ideas and rantings

2011-06-15T22:14:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow David's sister flies back into town from CA. I know she's going to have problems...because her vehicle has a flat and David didn't help her fix it. Dad's going to have to pull out his air compressor and blow up the tire so she can get to a tire shop just to get it fixed. That's when she lands. Second, David booked a flight for 2:40 and Anthony's photo thing is at 2:00. I offered to reschedule it and David's like no, she can hang out at the airport. Whatever. I'm sooooooooo tired tonight. I'm fried. I'm hoping she's in a hurry to get out of here. We'll see.
I always wondered if I could be a foster mother. This week has proven that I don't have it in me. I also realize that the boy brings out the worst in my son. Christopher constantly says Bryan's lying. Bryan gets so mad. I'm afraid he's going to punch Christopher, but my son is not that kid. I've never seen my son get like this with his best friend. I think Bryan and his best friend are more even tempered and whatever Kyle likes Bryan likes. This week, I've watched everything Christopher likes - Bryan hates, except when they're getting along then Bryan wants to like what Christopher likes.

I think the thing that's making me want to rip out my hair is the insecurity with Christopher. I could be wrong, but I think he tries to make Bryan feel less and then Christopher can feel superior to him, but Bryan is pretty confident in who he is and has been fighting back. I don't know how to deal with this stuff. I don't have two children close in age.

Tonight at 10:45, Chris comes downstairs to say good-night are f'n kidding me? He was supposed to be in bed at 9:00 so I don't know WHAT he was doing for an hour and a half, but I snapped at him and said what are you doing down here? Get to bed. I already told you goodnight. Ugh. it's that stuff...do I snap at him...what is that? Is he manipulating me? I'm done.

Today in the car they were arguing - trying to suck me into their fight which was happening while Anthony was in his car seat just watching both of them with a grin on his face. I yelled at them both and said if either of you hurt the baby, I will pull the car over and whip you! I'm not kidding, and I'll tell your dad/David and he'll whip you both when he gets home. OH!!!! I'm so tired of the fighting. I've tried to let them fight it out. I've tried letting the consequences of their actions...I'm done. David had a "talk" with them tonight. He's an idiot thinking that he is dealing with sane rational people...which neither of them are.
I'm ready to go back to just Bryan, the baby and me. It'll make this summer go by so much easier. I don't know if we're going to have anyone over after they leave...I just want to go do the things we originally planned. I shouldn't post this. It's sooo negative.
I was going to look for ideas for the fall craft fair but I've lost the desire to be happy. Maybe in July I can be less annoyed.

Say a prayer - cross your fingers that baby is feeling good tomorrow for his first photo shoot. :)

English Ning

2011-06-11T03:23:00.000-07:00

I woke up and realized that I've already dropped the ball on the whole writing everyday, and I realize that life is not going to allow that indulgence in my world. In my head I hear LOSER, but I also know that if I don't get some sleep - I'm gonna lose it and then my face will be plastered all over the evening news...alert: be on the lookout for crazed mother of 2 - teacher @ Spring Creek. Has popped a blood vessel and went on a shooting rampage @ Wal-Mart about an hour ago...she is considered armed and dangerous. I'm exhausted.
I told Jackie that she can keep the whole stay at home thing. I'm going back to work. Check that...I'm running back to work. I need to get away from those beasts especially the six month old.

Tonight, David booked airline tickets for Lisa and Sierra to fly back next week. I already paid for Christopher to take a class with Bryan the following week, but I'll call Jackie and see if Dallin wants to spend the afternoon in some classes at the Station Crossing because I SURE as hell don't care if the kids leave. I DON'T want them to go back to sleeping in their car. Ugh. I know in my head that Lisa is going to be with this guy Jacob and the guy has got a good job working on the natural gas oil fields (rigs?) and she'll be okay, BUT I also know that before they came down here - she and Christopher were sleeping in her FUBAR car. I just hope that she gets something set up when she gets here so they kids have a place to sleep and a roof over their heads. I know David can separate himself from her crap, but I haven't had a lifetime with her shenanigans and so I'm not exactly immune from her manipulation. I can't see kids living in cars. Can't do it.

Kids need a roof over their head and someone strict as hell at home so they have love, boundaries, food, shelter; yet they hate you and move into their own apartment as soon as they're old enough. I'm all for straightening legs and restricting them. I know that I need to let them grow and breathe and discover things on their own. I'm not so good at that part of parenting. Bryan is going to feel lots of pain in his life, and I'd rather him be mad at me than get hurt. That sounds bad, and maybe the Lisa situation is making me over-protective right now. I know he's excited for Christopher to leave that's for darn sure. He's tired of being told what to do by another person in his life.

So, today, I asked Jackie and Jennifer if they want to do another craft fair...what the HELL is wrong with me? I think I'm a glutton for pain. I really am. I need to call Jane and ask her for some OTHER ideas of stuff to make for the fair. She does things perfectly and I can't live up to her standards BUT she makes things that those bitches who go to craft fairs like. I told Jackie we could get together do some canning - Pepper JELLY boo-yah bitches. I'll ask Jackie- but do people like peach jelly? How about peach and pepper jelly? It's summer and I'm craving peaches again. This year, I'm going to buy a boat load of peaches. I might buy two boxes and make peach and pepper jelly? I wonder if you peaches make good jelly? How about apple / pepper jelly? What about strawberry pepper jelly? I'm going to call my mom and ask her. In her day she used to can the hell out of everything.

Bradley Cooper

2011-06-08T23:13:00.000-07:00

I'm watching the Actor's Studio and they have Bradley Cooper who graduated from that program. He' ridiculously good-looking. It's like some people lead a charmed life. That's the vibe I get from him.

My husband gave me grief last night and questioned the fact that I'm writing on my blog. Little does he know that I've been writing on my blog over a year. It's not something that I share with him. It's like a very public place to write private thoughts. It's like taking off your clothes and leaving open the shades. Are you an exhibitionist when people read your blog or are you just another nondescript human sharing your thoughts with others? Too deep. I used to keep a journal. I wasn't disciplined about writing in it. I think my fingers move too slow for my thoughts. I have the same feeling with typing, but I'm trying this write everyday thing. I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't make it but I don't want to throw in the towel in the first week. Okay, five minutes tonight. Twenty on FB...it averages out.
Good night.

Oscar Mayer!

2011-06-07T00:22:00.000-07:00

What a weenie. In my world I'm surrounded by the extremes. Very left-leaning liberals and then EXTREMELY right leaning conservatives. The teachers and friends from college are on the left and my parents and some wackos at work on the right. I tend to lean to the right in my personal views, but I can't begrudge anyone their opinion. It's theirs to have. I don't even have to verbally disagree with them. I'm allowed to sit there and listen without commenting; I could get up and leave; I could argue with them, etc. What a great country that I don't HAVE to agree with one side or whatever side is in power. This has got me to thinking about Congressman Weiner...or is it Wiener? I missed how he spells it. Anyway, the libs to my left are all moaning the fact that guy is a douch-bag and sent pictures of his manhood to women on the twitter/FB or whatever social website he was on at the time. The people on my left are like Ah-Ha! Gotcha - part of that comes from how the media likes to lambaste the right wingers when they do something douche-baggy. It's like spitting up in the sky. Tomorrow it'll be someone from the other side and it'll start all over again.

It's like when they called for the moratorium on hate-speech. I heard some down right awful things being said about Sarah Palin this week. After the congresswoman was ambushed in AZ - we were supposed to tone down the rhetoric. I watched a teacher at work basically FOAM at the mouth with vitriol over her hatred for Sarah Palin. By the way, here's where I am truly a feminist. I didn't agree with everything Hillary Clinton stood for, but I told my mom I think I might have voted for her. I still would. I appreciate how she was trashed by the alpha-male morons who hated her and talked just as horrible things about her as they did Sarah and she proved them wrong. She's a fighter. I didn't like everything about her, but she would have been the first female and that's something I would vote for. The day that happens I will change my belief that the world is a boys' club and women sabotage themselves EVERYTIME.

At my mother's house...be careful if you speak ill against Sarah...you might be asked to leave. I'm tired of the hatred that spews.

I wish I could say that I hadn't heard about the nasty congressman from NY...wish I didn't have to see that these people in positions of power are pretty much scum bags and WE voted for people like that. Yuck. I need a shower.

Sister In Laws and the kids

2011-06-06T20:51:00.000-07:00

So, David approached me this afternoon and asked me if his nephew Christopher could stay with us while his sister was in California. She's trying to resolve the custody issues with her last born Sierra. I think they slept in the car for the past few nights. Of course the answer is yes. I told David I wanted Christopher here. Lisa is with this guy Brandon. Nice guy. Have absolutely NO idea if they'll make it but he's the latest in a long succession of men. There have been baby daddies. This new guy has a job on the oil rigs in Utah and Colorado? Not sure, but it sounds transient and no life for a woman with three children. Unless, she's getting his checks and living off of him. I hope she's not. We'll see.

Her first child has been raised by this lady, Kim. I saw Destiny when she was a baby before Lisa went to rehab/prison. She had Christopher WHILE she was in rehab/prison. I think it was rehab first incarceration second. It's been 10 years so my memory is fuzzy. David and I had only been married for three or four years when this happened, and I was focused on our lives not the in-laws. Anyway, the third one Sierra wasn't a drug baby or anything like that but this one is a real asshole, and of course Lisa just keeps going on and on about how good he is with his daughter. Forget the fact that he's dealing drugs out of this house he stays at and there's low-lives wandering in and out and ALL hours of the day. Forget the fact, that he tried to RIP THE DOORS OFF OF HER CAR. Yeah, the car is totally FUBAR because it looks like someone tried to RIP THE DOORS OFF THE G-D CAR!!

So, tonight Christopher proudly ANNOUNCED that his father is finally out of prison. Scared the holy hell out of Bryan. Bryan was like what did he do? Is he a bad person? Love my son. Poor guy. It's just so not a world that he's been exposed to or can understand. Partly because his mother works with "bad" kids. At least that's what he hears when he hears jail. Also, he has no idea the difference between jail and prison. Little does my son know that prison in my view is WAY worse than jail. Not that jail is a trifle matter, but someone could go to jail for a night for drinking and driving. When you get to prison you're past that point. Anyway, tonight was eye opening.

Christopher asked if he could get on the Internet. I told him no. I'm not sure I want him going to FB and telling his Dad where he is now. I REALLY DON'T want Dad at our doorstep.

Finally, I yelled at Christopher and Bryan tonight. It's going to be a long few weeks and today was day one. It'll be okay.

Really great seminar

2011-06-05T01:29:00.000-07:00

So, I went to this really good seminar presented by Penny Kittle. She challenged us to write everyday this summer. So far, I haven't done it, but tonight as I was perusing FB and looking at emails and thinking about what I learned I remembered this website she said was great for English teachers. It's English Companion.ning.com or something like that. I wrote it down - highlighted it etc. etc. So, I was looking at the site tonight after I was finally approved to enter - you have to apply for admission. Ain't it always the case?
Anyway, she has a blog on there and that got me to thinking about my blog and the challenge. I'm hoping that I make time every day. I'm not sure if I'll make it, but 15 minutes a day to write. The only way to get better is to do it. That's what I tell the kids. I guess I better shut up or put up. Does the 15 minutes count when you spend 7 minutes just looking up your password logins?

Okay, one more little note. On her blog about writing everyday, Penny posted the following (it was one more push to get me going):
I wanted to share this list of writing rules that Don Murray sent me in 2006. As you know, we lost him on Dec. 30 of that year. His rules are the rules of a lifetime writer, and so instructive for all of us following along behind.

MY RULES – TODAY Donald M. Murray

1. nulla dies sine linea – Never a day without a line. Horace 65-8 BC.
To write you have to set up a routine, to promise yourself that you will write. Just state in a loud voice that you will write so many pages a day, or write for so many hours a day. Keep the number of pages or hours within reason, and don't be upset if a day slips by. Start again; pick up the routine.
Don't look for results. Just write, easily,quietly.Janwilliam van de Wetering

2. “Write about what makes you different,” Sandra Cisneros.

3. Lower your standards until you can write.

I believe that the so-called "writing block" is a product of some kind of disproportion between your standards and your performance....one should lower his standards until there is no felt threshold to go over in writing. It's easy to write. You just shouldn't have standards that inhibit you from writing……I can imagine a person beginning to feel he's not able to writeup to that standard he imagines the world has set for him. But to me that's surrealistic. The only standard I can rationally have is I'm meeting right now...You should be more willing to forgive yourself. It doesn't make any difference if you are good or bad today.The assessment of the product is something that happens after you've done it.
William Stafford

4. Write to start writing.
If writing a book is impossible, write a chapter.
If writing a chapter is impossible, write a page.
If writing a page is impossible, write a paragraph.
If writing a paragraph is impossible, write a sentence.
If writing a sentence is impossible, write a word and teach yourself everything there is to know about that word and then write another, connected word and see where the connection leads.
Richard Rhodes

5. Write to discover what you have to say.

I believe that fiction feeds on itself, grows like a pregnancy. The more you write, the more there is to draw from; the more you say, the more there is to say.
The deeper you go into your imagination,the richer that reservoir becomes.
You do not run out of material by using all that's in you; rather,when you take everything that is available one day,it only makes room for new things to appear the next... You don't need to know a whole book in order to write the first page. You don't even need to know the end of the first page. You need only the desire to create something that will say what you feel needs to be said, however vague its format the beginning. You need a willingness to discover the wealth and wisdom of your own subconscious,and to trust that it will tell you what to do an dhow to do it – not all at once, but as needed, step by step.
You have to take a deep breath, let go of your usual control, and then begin walking in the dark.
Elizabeth Berg

6. Write out loud. Hear what you are writing before you see it and revise with your ear. Let your voice instruct.

7. Don’t correct error. Build on what works, extending by layering, writing over what you have written so it deepens, grows stronger, reminds you of what you didn’t know you knew.

8. Writing is a visual art. Write what you see. When you are stuck, begin with description.
When I construct a scene, I don't describe the hundredth part of what I see; I see the characters scratching their noses, walking about, tilting back in their chairs -- even after I've finished writing-- so much so that after a while I feel a weariness which does not derive all that much from my effort of imagination but is more like a visual fatigue: My eyes are tired from watching my characters.
Graham Greene

9. Fail.
Writing is built on instructive failure as you attempt to say what you do not yet know in a way you have never said it before.
Fail.
Fail again.
Fail better.
Samuel Beckett

10. Write fast -- write badly -- so you will write what you don’t yet know you knew -- and so you will outrun the censor within is all.
However much the writer might long to be in his work, simple, honest, straightforward, these virtues are no longer available to him. He discovers that in being simple, honest, straightforward, nothing much happens: he speaks the unspeakable, whereas we are looking for the as-yet-unspeakable, the as-yet-unspoken.Writing is a process of dealing with not-knowing,a forcing of what and how. We have all heard novelists testify to the fact that, beginning a new book, they are utterly baffled as to how to proceed, what should be written and how it might be written, even though they've done a dozen.At best there is a slender intuition, not much greater than an itch.
Donald Barthelme

11. Know tomorrow’s task at the end of the writing morning. Let the subconscious do the writing.

12. Finish. Submit. Many have talent. Some begin; few finish.

The field is left to those of us who have little talent and great stubbornness....it isn't "talent" which is so important to a writer....The most important assets, I believe, are those associated with mules – a kind of stubbornness to get it done, to make it right, to make it better, and grit –not to quit -- and even narrowness of purpose,a euphemism for being almost dumbly dedicated to accomplishing something.
Theodore Weesner

Friends of Friends on Face Book

2011-03-05T05:54:00.000-08:00

So, while the baby was sleeping and I couldn't, I decided to look at recommendations for FB friends. I wonder who they might know that I've forgotten. There are a few friends that I've never found on FB. I often wonder if they just haven't gotten the FB bite or maybe they got married and I don't know their last name or maybe they just don't want to be found. Anyway, while I was looking at my recommendations, I ran across the photo of this girl that I CAN NOT stand and underneath it said 20+ friends in common. That got me to thinking...there are 20+ other people that are friends with her, but she is someone I despise. Maybe I need to rethink the other 20+ people. Won't happen because I like the other 20+ friends - just not her, but then I thought about something another friend of mine said...who happens to be one of the 20+ friends that we're supposed to be nice to our enemies. I don't know, I'm not a good Christian much less good Catholic, but I haven't let go of old resentments.

Lent is around the corner...I see lots of fish in my future...maybe this is the time for me to try to let go of that anger (?) resentment (!). I've decided to give up the three C's - cookies, candy, chocolate. It'll probably be good for the baby and breast milk...I need another b...oh it'll be a benefit. Anyway, my Lenten sacrifice - cookies, candy, and chocolate and something that I've been hanging onto for too long...resentment. We'll see if I'm an emotional hoarder or not.

Background

2011-03-04T22:34:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what happened to my background and I'm not even sure where to go to find a new one. I stopped updating my blog with any sort of regularity in March or maybe it was June or July. Crazy! Had a baby-husband is getting ready to start a new job and I'm not sleeping anymore. I realize that babies have this hormone that doesn't let you sleep. weird.
Okay, so I have a lot to say, but I'm exhausted and playing around on Facebook for 3 hours doesn't help. Goodnight blog. Maybe you'll get your over due makeover...there's always spring break.

Posting

2010-07-16T02:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've been a little reticent about posting since April. I'm going to blame the fact that I'm pregnant and it's been too hot to sit at a hot computer and type what I should be doing instead of what I'm really doing which is NOT MUCH. Eh, I'll get it together soon...I have to ...babies don't wait.

What about your blog

2010-04-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

So, Jackie emailed me and asked me about my blog...and I realized I haven't been here in such a long time. March 8Th to be exact. A lot has happened in the last month.

Last night my son lost his final wrestling match of the season. I don't think I will be a good soccer mom/stage mom. He was sooooo close to winning his first match. During the last 2.5 seconds the kid tied him and then was first to score in overtime. I felt so bad for him. I'm glad the season is over. I lose my voice the next day after a match. My heart can't take it.

I'm trying to get my last few credits in order to move up in the pay scale. I have lots of homework for all of these seminars. So far I've taken several Covey - 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I don't feel very effective in the last few weeks.

I have two students who can't write a multi-page paper for their Nova Net class; I have a student who FAILED the GED in a big bad way - which I can't personalize, but it is disheartening either way. Oh, and I have a girl resident who is accustomed to being the teacher's pet and when she doesn't get her way, she has a little Dr. Jeckyll and Hyde moment that makes me angry. I don't like asking a student to put stuff away 3 times and then that student turns on me? WTH? It makes me angry.

So, to sum up my last few weeks:
My son won the first two matches of the season and then proceeded to lose every last match the rest of the season and didn't even qualify for the tournament on Saturday.

Second, I have students who can't write a decent paper and have become the dirge of my existence, and finally, I have turn-coat students that I really don't like.
Oh, and I am supposed to be pre-active and help my students achieve. In order to complete this "training" I have to buckle down. ALL OF THESE classes are supposed to make me a better teacher and allow me to make more money but it's about doing something that isn't worth the headaches I have to endure. OK, enough pity party. It's Friday, and Stamp Club is tomorrow and maybe I just need to hone my creative side and that will lighten my mood.

Found Grammar Girl

2010-03-08T15:37:00.000-08:00

So, I'm at work and I find Grammar Girl - tips for better writing. I know this is the universe telling me to blog at work and make it work related. It works on both levels. Who doesn't like a little down and dirty grammar action.

I was reading the tips and I think they'll be good for ME and my kids. I need to get more comfortable in my skin regarding grammar and punctuation. Teaching grammar is painful, but trying to teach the rules...next to impossible. Why learn something that I don't use on a regular basis ? My students don't care because everything is cuz, wat up...it's painful. I get it. What teenager doesn't think that way. I am trying to accept the fact that few if any of my students will ever graduate college, but hopefully, they'll appear literate when they apply for a job.

Wrestling, Hunting and Glee

2010-02-22T18:52:00.000-08:00

Speaking of jocks, my son is officially part of the sporty sport world. He decided he liked the wrestling team. His initial response to me was, "Yeah, I like it a little." When his best friend Kyle tore by and yelled to me, "I REALLY like it." Bryan Immediately responded with, "Yeah, me Too!" and then tore off after Kyle. My kid is that easily persuaded. It'll be good for him.

Oh, on a side note. I've killed two filthy mice with my superior rat trap setting skills. I can't clean the traps. I guess that's definitely my fork in the road with someone like Sarah Palin. I'm all about setting a trap; then out-thinking the filthy little rodent. I don't want to chase it down and shoot it. I feel the violence welling up in me, but waiting has it sweetness too. And I don't do carcasses...yuck. That's just gross.

I should add that I found my son's Nerf pistol on the computer desk. I totally get the enjoying guns (fake guns anyway). I jumped up, cocked the weapon, checked to make sure the bullet was in the chamber, and shot my son in the butt with a Nerf bullet. He yelled at me and told me that wasn't funny. I do love the Nerf weapon. It's very cathartic. :O!

Last night, I saw a promo for Glee. My heart began to thump in my chest. Oh, the agony of waiting. It's almost too much to bear...almost.

Good Sunday

2010-01-31T20:19:00.000-08:00

I'll be honest. I didn't do much today. I made a few cards. One for David's friend, Ray. And I started one for Ms. Coil. Her birthday is coming soon and I have an idea but I'm still playing with it...anyway, can't say too much since she pops over here occasionally. Other than that, I still have V-Day cards on the brain. I think it's all the RED that I love. I should've been a Harlot in the Paris in the days of Marquis and Madames and all the fooling around in back bedrooms...then I'd have a reason to give away all of these Valentine's Day cards. Instead, I get all jazzed up about making them and then pfft, nothing, Nada. There they'll sit until I get all jazzed up next year. I did borrow some stamps from work. Oh, it's like Christmas in February.
I get to play and play and play...now, I need new inks (I'm seriously lacking there) and I need to buy some Big Shot toys. I need embossers and stuff...more paper stuff. yeah, that's what I need :).

Bad Mommy Day

2010-01-27T20:44:00.001-08:00

UGH! I was a bad mommy today. I ROYALLY screwed up today. My son was left @ school w/out a ride. I SWEAR I thought Michael said he was going to pick him up, so today after MY dad forgot to come get me to take me to the dentist for my ROOT canal. I told him NOT to worry about pickup Bryan because Michael was getting him. He says that he told me he was busy. I DID NOT get that message.
David came home and yelled at me...which I would've done the same thing, but I can't stop crying now, and I feel so BAD. I'm like those parents that dropped the kid off at the aunt's house while she was asleep and the kid wanders off. I'm going to have child protective services called on me. What an idiot am I?

I'm over here sleeping away. I didn't even hear the phone ring. The only excuse I can give is that I had a Valium before the appointment and shots in my mouth and my mouth was sore and numb and all I wanted to do was sleep.

Of course they called me while I was out to the world. Michael tried calling David and the dumb SOB gets frantic phone messages from Michael. BUT my dumb SOB husband didn't have his personal cell phone on him...which I've asked him to do so he gets all panicked and freaked and comes running in and yells at me.

My sweet little boy was great. Tells me it was a little mistake. And of course one of the "stay at home" moms was stuck at school with him waiting for my poor parents to race across town to get him. Ugh, I'm a bad mom today!

Christmas Slide Show

2010-01-27T20:42:00.001-08:00

So maybe I blog once a week

2010-01-19T09:59:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about my blog over the weekend and it dawned on me that I haven't written on it for a whole week. This weekend was a little nutty with dental appointments and birthday planning etc.

My little boy has bad teeth. It's not really his fault. He has his mother's teeth. His father never got cavities, but his mother spent many days at the dentist and hence my fear of the dentist has never gone away. So, we have to do better regarding the sugar intake. We're cutting out the Capri Sun drinks and all other sugar.

He went with his friend Kyle to the Art Sports gym to go tumbling. He sat out early said he wasn't feeling well. They took the kids for ice cream afterwards and he didn't want any because he said - he didn't want any cavities. That just breaks my heart. He's scared and his upcoming appointment is all he thinks about. I wish I could take that fear away. I wish he wasn't like me in that way...teeth and fear. I want a strong kid who isn't afraid of the dentist. How do you do that when you're afraid of the dentist? Ugh!

Sushi and Karma

2010-01-11T09:02:00.000-08:00

Ms. Coil told me that it was bad karma that is to blame for what happened on Saturday night. I think my sushi karma needs an injection of good light. All through the holidays, I had good shopping karma. I usually found a good parking spot or I got through the checkout lines without a long wait. When it comes to sushi...my luck is running a little light. David took me to eat at my favorite sushi restaurant on Saturday night. First of all, they were having a large wedding reception at the restaurant so we had to wait quite a while for a table. The remanining part of the restaurant was packed with people trying to squeeze in the few available tables. Plus, I realize that while I've always been proud to be an American, I understand the view of "Americans" as obnoxious. It was a very stereotypical situation. My husband and I were sitting at our table next to a lesbian couple (I thinkthey were lesbian)and this guy comes up and is having a loud conversation on his bluetooth. For some reason in a Japanese restaurant I get very aware of my loud voice. Maybe it's the quiet/stealthy-ness of the staff but either way I feel like a bull in the china closet. So, this guy is having a confab with his buddy who evidently came and left and did not notice that Ron and Sheila were already here. Two time the wait staff about ran into him since he was standing in front of their station where they get drinks dropoff dirty dishes - their hub of activity. So, to get out of their way, he stands next to me - while on the phone. It was rude- I say - go outside or somewhere NOT on the dining room floor.
I wonder, if I go and eat A LOT of sushi...will that improve my sushi karma? Maybe that's how you improve your karma - do it A LOT more?!
So, I must have bad sushi karma. Well, it wasn't too bad because the sushi was yummy and my hubby actually liked the stuff I picked. He's so picky - he can't handle the Avalanche (too spicy). Wouldn't eat the philly with salmon and cream cheese. What a wuss!

Back to the grind

2010-01-08T16:06:00.000-08:00

So, I guess I'm a fair-weather blogger. I go back to work and I completely abandon all of my new year's resolutions for the blog. Ah well, I guess if I was a stay at home mom I would have the time to blog every day or every week. Consequently, it's another one of those things that I ultimately don't really feel all that guilty about because I'm too tired to care. This week, I've been tired and my teeth hurt. This temporary crown stuff is painful. I have to take tylenol first thing when I wake up and before I eat dinner or else I'm in pain until I go to bed. David's like, why don't you call the dentist...well two things. I'm in school - I don't really have time to go to another appointment and I don't know that there's much they can do while I'm dealing with the temp crown. Ugh, plus I REALLY hate the dentist and if I can avoid it - I'm not going to go if I don't ABSOLUTELY have to go. In this case, my liver will regenerate, right?

Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse

2010-01-01T00:23:00.001-08:00

So, I decided that before the end of the year, I would go see New Moon. I really didn't like the second OR the third installment in the Stephanie Meyer series so I wasn't ALL that jazzed about seeing this movie. I guess the author did a great job of creating all of this super duper intense teen angst and longing and that feeling of being in love that in the VERY beginning of the second book she breaks them up?! Oh, I hate it when they do that on television shows too. This reminds of a TV show that I don't watch anymore...
Renee and I used to watch Grey's Anatomy. We watched the first season and it was great it had drama and flirty sexy banter and it was great. It was even okay when they brought the ex-wife back and that put a damper on things...but then...it turned all Days of Our Lives and next thing you know she's jumping into the Puget Sound and Dr. Dreamy is fishing her out of the water all blue and stupid. I dunno...I lost all interest in the whole thing. I've tried watching and I tried getting into it but it's just too daytime soap at night for me...which brings me to New Moon.

I felt like S. Meyer pulled a little Days of Our Lives on me in the second book. I will give her credit because the break up scene in the book was Awesome! Immediately after Edward dumps her she lays down in the forest and wants to die and then the next pages are literally October (on a page), November, December...I loved that. If you're going to break the couple - make it so someone wants to throw up...or as Bella puts it - there's a hole in my chest and I can't breath. That's kick ya in the gut love - and Meyer got that right...but then the DOL stuff started and she lost me.
I didn't give two rats about the book until she jumps off the cliff. Again, cool scene and I liked Alice showing up...all good. I think I was waiting for the jumping off the cliff so I could get into it. The movie was like the book in the respect that they spend ALL this time together working some junker bikes and then blammo okay no more motorcycles. The reason in the story to stop riding is okay but it felt contrived in both the movie and the book. Maybe I'm asking too much for a Young Adult story because I guess teens have that level of attention span in real life too. Hey, let's spend all of our energy on this one thing...ok, I'm done with that.

I dunno know. I don't have a good answer for the Jacob love triangle. Maybe if she hadn't done SUCH a good job with the first book and nailed that teen love thing - I might have bought the whole Jacob love interest but she didn't give him much of a bone in the second book for there to be this Team Jacob or Team Edward baloney.
The movie helped A LOT in regards to the DRAGGING out her maudlin pining for Edward. She only had about a 1/3 of the movie to be stupid and they had to condense a lot of the blah blah blah he's a werewolf stuff - so that was good and I loved the set up for the third.

To be honest, I really need to go back and read the third book before June because I was in SUCH a rush to get to the fourth book (and really Breaking Dawn was a close second in quality to Twilight) that I power-read the third book and don't remember much of that book. The main thing I remember after Eclipse was that I wanted to slap Edward, Bella AND Jacob by the end of it. I thought what a bunch of idiots and I was sick of the lot of them. The fourth book made up for a lot of the nonsense. So, I'll shut up and let the movie makers do their magic.

On an un-related note. After the movie at about 12:45, I was walking to my car and I saw these two teenage girls standing outside the theater. I assume they were waiting for their ride BUT neither of them had on a winter coat. They both had hoodies on and one of the girls was wearing ballet slipper type shoes without socks. Yes, I'm old and I'm a mother because ALL I could think was how can I approach these two girls and tell to go stand inside the theater or go by Nawlins restaurant/bar because they had an outdoor fire pit (it's for smokers) but at least it would have been heat. In the end, I saw them walking over to the fire pit but ugh, it was killing me to see them standing outside shivering. What were they thinking going out with out winter coats? No outfit is cute enough in Colorado to not have a winter coat at 12:45AM. True fashionistas build in the winter coat as part of the ensemble. :)

Condensing slide shows

2009-12-31T16:59:00.000-08:00

So, now that I've figured out how to create a slide show and add effects and add music, captions, and upload it to the blog, I decided I needed to combine the cards on the slide show. So far I'm at 25 slides. I may end up making separate slide shows. I don't know. One thing I need to figure out is how to size it correctly to be situated at the side bar. So far, it's too big. I may need to reconfigure my template. Ugh. This is when I wish I were more tech-y and understood what I was doing in order to get what I want. C'est la vie...until then I'll keep playing.

Returning stamps

2009-12-30T13:46:00.000-08:00

Well, I've had 2 sets of Renee's stamps since...this summer, I think. I've had them so long I don't remember when I borrowed them. Well, over the holidays I told Renee I would return them. I wanted to make a thank you gift for letting me borrow them and I wanted to use them one last time. I've been playing with the vellum flowers so I made a card holder with a couple of vellum flowers and the Rich Razzleberry paper. Renee loves purple and lavender. "It's like Blush and Bashful, they're my signature colors." ANYWAY, I wanted to use those colors. Now, I need to make another. I did want to get a photo of it in case I DON'T make another. The other card/post-it holder was a tutorial I just saw on SplitCoastStampers for matchbook thank you cards. I don't know if I'll give her the matchbook post-it holder - I was originally going to put a vellum flower on that but it was too much. I think the matchbook comes from the shape. It was super simple and so I had to try. I had to play with the scoring dimensions since I didn't follow the directions exactly (what a shock, me not following directions). Anyway. I practiced first then did it...here's what I came up with.

Fresh Page

2009-12-28T08:23:00.001-08:00

I've decided that my blog needed a new look. The bird and stuff is a little cutesy so we'll see how long it is before I get sick of looking at the pears and pink...but I need to rearrange my blog furniture so to speak...
So, I know that I'm not a pro at making cards, but I decided to post photos of my cards. I'm a hoarder when it comes to the cards that I make @ club and all they do is sit in my card box waiting for a moment of desperation when I need a birthday or thank you card in about 5 seconds and I don't have the time or energy to make a new card. Otherwise, I won't give them away...it's like I made it..it's mine...it ceases to exist if I give it away...bad logic - I know.

The impetus for this idea came from two sources. The first was Ms. Coil noting how on this one site which has free vintage clip art, this lady has professional photographs of her cards, AND we both agreed they're JUST cards. The second thing that happened over the holidays was my nephew's Christmas gift to my parents. The boys bought them a digital frame. Of course my parents handed it to me and asked me to set it up. Marc would've done it but we're the one-kid family and our world revolves around the little family and so in our singularity we have lots of photos. Yes, we have photos of OTHER people (but that's only if they happen to get in the shot of Bryan). No, just kidding. We have photos of Zach's little Mikaila too (so girly!). So, it fell upon me to upload photos. It wasn't hard per se, but it was a daunting task. It's one of those deals were you load it and hope like hell it works when you plug it back in because you never want to go through the whole ordeal a second time.
Adding photos will be easy but the first download was time consuming. While I was watching all of these photos scrolling across the screen, that's when I thought of my blog and visiting my cards.

I wanted to put my cards in my own frame. The next thing that dawned on me...I didn't create ANY of these cards. These are NOT my ideas and I can't take credit for the ideas. These are ideas that I saw/copied from the pages of Take Ten magazine, Split Coast Stampers, or Late Night Stampers, and a few that I outright stole from Ms. Coil :)!
Anyway, I'm going to post my cards to my blog page from now on. I don't have the professional camera equipment but don't tempt me. As I have time and ENERGY I'll post cards. I'm experimenting for now. Hey, it's Christmas break and this may be a one time shot, but here goes...

Fourth posting of the day

2009-12-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

Guess what happens while you're on Christmas Break and you have LOTS O' TIME to peruse the web? Specifically - Split Coast Stampers and Late Night Stampers group?? Um yeah... I found Slide.com. Make my own slide show...hello I couldn't get it to load on my side nav. bar and I know you can add music to those things, but I'm working with an oldie but a goodie computer and I dont' know how much more she can take, Jim (said with a Scottish brogue). Oh, and speaking of Scottish brogues...my mom gave dad the Susan what's her name CD for Christmas and it is BEAUTIFUL. I got the Andrea Bocelli (spell?) Christmas CD from David. Very good music this holiday. Other than that...I think I'm gettin' the hang of some of these fancy gadgets on my blog...that is until I screw up and the cussing will begin!

Observations and Epiphanies

2009-12-15T18:35:00.000-08:00

So, when my son gets hurt I kiss him and tell him I'm sorry he got hurt. He responds by asking why I'm apologizing when it's his fault. What the hell? It dawned on me that I didn't have the answer and it made me look at myself? Crazy. Some would say I'm over thinking this (as usual) but it got me thinking.

Eh, he's six what the hell does he know?!

I have to tell this story...it made my day in a creepy way. One of the gals on Puma staff told me that someone was gushing about me. It was nice to hear that, but on some level you want people to think nice things about you not share them with other staff. I don't know if this makes sense, but when she told me that I had an admirer I was bothered that someone saying things that I wouldn't want to hear first-hand. Anyway, she didn't tell me who it was and I don't want to know who it is because it's just weird and this way I don't have to worry about feeling awkward with the staff. I found out that I've been complimented...that's good enough. No?

Snow Days

2009-12-08T07:37:00.001-08:00

let it snow let it snow let it snow...
What could be better than cruisin' the net while white flakes fall and Winter Warlock gently swirls snow like the Vermouth in an extra dry martini -almost touching the gin but not quite.

Glee obsession

2009-12-05T22:37:00.000-08:00

My newest obsession...Glee. The music is so great. So, I think in a former life I was a singer. I know I'm lacking the ability to stay in key but gosh - I love trying and mangling them. My husband laughs because I never remember words...but that never stops me. Keep holdin' on...Maybe next time.
Also, Kristin Chenowith is like the professional skater she makes her vocal spins and jumps look like child's play.

Instead of making cards, I'm looking at other people's cards while I'm listening to Glee youtube vids. Good stuff!

My son the BRAT

2009-11-24T13:41:00.000-08:00

I have a story that I had to share with you…
This morning, I realized what A LITTLE SH** my son has become. Today at B.’s school is Grandparent’s Day. Nana/Papa go to a morning mass with him then they go and watch a little play and they sing Thanksgiving songs etc. and then they give the kids an early release for Thanksgiving Break. So, this morning on the way to school, I call mom and dad to make sure they’re on their way. Bryan hears the conversation and asks are Nana/Papa going to school? I tell him yes, and he needs to look for them so he can sit with them at church. He says- but I want to sit with my friends. I start to get upset and tell him that Nana/Papa come to sit with you once a year. Plus, your friends don’t love you, but they do, so BE NICE and sit with them. He says what if I don’t see them? I told him to look for them. (there was my first flag)…so, we get to the drop off at school and I tell him, I love you. He says NOTHING in response. I YELL – I LOVE YOU! HE SAYS NOTHING!! I’m like WHY YOU LITTLE BRAT. So, I go around the front and park. I walk into the church and I see my parents. They’re talking to some of the other parents – chit chatting…
I tell my Dad that you can sit with Bryan – he says that’s OK. We can sit in the back, and mom says, No, I’d like to sit with Bryan. So, Dad says what are we supposed to do and one of the parents jumps in and says you just walk in with them and slide in next to your kid…and at that moment her kid comes walking in and she jumps in the line with the kids and goes into the church….
So, here comes Bryan walking down the hall with the other first graders – shirt un-tucked, of course. I tell Dad – make him tuck in his shirt. Dad says, he won’t listen to me. I’m like…MAKE him do it.
So, I see Bryan and he SEES me and starts casually walking behind his friend Kyle. Then as they get closer he starts to walk behind some other adult (teacher, I think) and tries to sneak past us. I realize at that moment that he’s TRYING TO FREAKING’ DODGE US. Ooh, he’s lucky he was in church…I was so mad that I just wanted to yank him up at that moment. I had to get to work, so I left and called David on my way out of the parking lot. I tell David what happened and he just started laughing. He said, I could see you doing that at his age. Ooh, I’m still steaming!!!

Did I mention I could give a rats' a**

2009-11-05T13:08:00.000-08:00

So, maybe it's me but are the students getting whinier? I think it's time for another vacation from this place. I think spending a week in bed was actually worse for my attitude towards work. This year, not so much. The schedule is kicking me in the rear and I'm burned out. I'm supposed to be teaching Tiger right now and to be honest, I want them to find something to do to keep themselves busy. I had a kid write one sentence then look at me like he was done. I'm like seriously, you sat there for about 15 minutes looking at the paper and wrote ONE sentence? I wasn't asking for a novel but once sentence. It wasn't spelled incorrectly. It wasn't especially exciting, but it was ONE sentence. It was supposed to be abut something personal and all he would write is one sentence. Killing me Smalls!

This year, I've decided I've got use my personal leave days on my son's school events....that's all there is to it. I need to get away from here and find a better attitude...
Ugh.

Mr. Dan sent an email saying he'll share next year's budget with us tomorrow...I'm like C'mon
tell me something. Like do I have a job next year...he says it affects everyone...this is like cruelty to animals.
yes, I compared myself to an animal. I'm the cat that died from curiosity.

The Man in the Sky told me so...

2009-10-24T20:52:00.001-07:00

Tonight Ms. C and I went to see the Invention of Lying then we went for Sushi. I think the Man in the Sky wants me to be happy, so he gave me Ms. Coil and a shared affinity for fish with rice and seaweed. AI Sushi- so very good - yummmm!

Anyway, before tomorrow comes and I forget this blissful fullness I thought I should share my thoughts about The Invention of Lying. And for Man in the Sky forbid, if you haven't seen the movie and don't want spoilers...stop reading NOW!!!

The beginning of the movie is REALLY dark and depressed. The characters, the tone, even the humor is very dark so at one point Ricky Gervais' character says people don't have anything to live for when they don't believe anything happens after they die so they treat each other like crap. These people all tell the truth and blurt out every hurtful thought that pops into their heads and there's no ramifications for all this truth telling. There's no joy for that matter. I like the Pepsi ad - when Coke's not available (very funny). I did cringe when I saw his 10 rules on Pizza Hut cardboard boxes and they drank Budweiser in every other scene. I kept thinking oh, nice product placement, so yeah, I cringed at that. Oh, before I forget, Pirate Radio preview - for anyone who's ever worked at a rock station and enjoys Brit-rock and a little anarchy with his Phillip Seymour Hoffman- looks like a must see!

So, I knew going in that Ricky Gervais is a TOTAL Atheist and really that's ok...he's no more a godless heathen than any other actor in Hollywood, so my expectations are low. I cringe when the discussion turns political and anti-Catholic because I don't need to argue nor defend my beliefs and I knew that this movie talks about God as part of some lie on Gervais' character's part. I read the descriptions for the movie and I was prepared for the anti-God movie. There were some parts that I cringed at but it wasn't because I was offended or belittled. At the end of the end of the movie, he confesses to Jennifer Garner's character that he made up the "man in the sky" to help his mom as she's passing, and at the end of the end of the movie the people don't all start lying which is where I thought the movie would go, but I thought it had an interesting idea.

When Gervais' tells everyone that there's something in the after-life, they all get really happy (not everyone - some wait to die for things to get better) and they think they have 3 strikes or they're out so they're nicer to one another. Yes, they all think if they're good they'll get a mansion and no, that's how I view religion, but in one part he nailed it on the head. I know that there is a heaven and it is a wonderful place and yes, I absolutely believe in it and some days that belief in Jesus and God and heaven is what gets you through the day. That silly saying - What would Jesus do - does teach you to treat others nicely. Fear, is a good thing if that's what keeps you on this side of humanity. I think having that faith of the after-life is something that you either have or never will.

Anyway, the movie was good. It made me think about my own faith in the God and the afterlife and I appreciated the fact that I know I shouldn't be scared when my time comes because there are better things on the other side.

ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A VACATION....WTF?

2009-10-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

So, I have some serious gripes about the last few weeks! First, I was supposed to go to Breckenridge with my co-worker Jennifer but of course my Dad got sick. In the end it was fine because mom and dad needed me more than I needed new fancy socks from the sock store in Breckenridge. If you've never been, they really are worth a trip to the snowy resort shop. I love all kinds of socks; comfy, funny, practical, not at all practical, short, tall, thick, thin, etc. and the Sox Store leans towards the comfy - fun - thick side of sock stores. Last year, I also bought a pair of socks for B. that expand in water VERY COOL. He still wears the reindeer fun socks.
Anyway, I was ever so bitter and selfish about not getting to go but I knew we had a week off coming up and I thought at least I still have that time coming to screw around. maybe, we'd go see some movies or make some cards - whatever.
Well, I've been smote again. On Friday afternoon, I came home and I WAS SICK. I spent most of Saturday in bed. On Sunday, David took B. to Sunday school, bought pumpkins, groceries, and let me rest the whole day. By Monday, I thought I was getting better but I lost my voice. I thought I was just hoarse from being sick. By Tuesday my husband had enough and told me to go to the Dr. because I was definitely worse not better. He's probably tired of sleeping in the spare bedroom trying not to get sick.
So, after a $30 office visit and $35 worth of medicine - I found out that I did in fact start out with viral infection and I also have a secondary bacterial infection that prevented me from getting better. So, um yeah, it's Thursday and while I sound like crap - can barely talk above a whisper - I think I'm getting better. I hate being sick and while I hate being sick - I don't know what's worse, being sick during a vacation or wasting personal leave days for illness. On one level, I don't have to worry about a sub or lesson plans, but on the other hand...ugh, I've WASTED this entire week. I have this weekend, so hopefully, I won't be a waste of skin the whole week, but now I'm angry. I need a vacation!

Disappointments and Responsibilities

2009-10-08T20:10:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday evening my dad went to the hospital for what he thought was the flu. His doctor freaked out and admitted him to the hospital. He's had 3 pints of blood and some other medications. He's had internal bleeding on top of the flu and previously diagnosed with cancer. Needless to say, it was an ugly night last night. My cousin Kevin dropped my mom off at the hospital and she had my son with her since I was still at work. She left the hospital around 4:30 while it was still daylight. At 6:30 my husband panicked that she still wasn't home and they couldn't find her anywhere between the hospital and home.

My mother ended up across town at a Burger King. The nice girl at the register told me mom to use her cell phone. When my mom couldn't get a hold of my husband, (she can't call me at work because we can't have a cell phone on us...anyway) she didn't know who to call. My son told her that he knows Michael's phone # and dialed the phone all by himself. This is not a revelation that my son knows how to call Michael. We do it often and I'm glad that he knows. My revelation is that my son was level-headed in a stressful situation. My mom was pretty freaked out about getting SOOO lost. She started crying. My son told Michael (after he raced across town) that he was scared, but he told my mom that it's OK and that everyone makes mistakes.

So, like I said, last night was ugly. My husband told me that I should stay here instead of go to a conference. I have a great boss who told me it was OK for me to stay in town and that family comes first. My good old Catholic guilt is bothering me about not going, but my great Catholic guilt would haunt me if I left town and wasn't here for my mom. On the way over to the hospital, my mom started crying and said, "What will I do without him?" That's a hard thing to hear. I played the Oh mom, you're fine. In reality she really would be fine, but that's not what she was referring. I know what she meant, and I guess I didn't like knowing that my mom truly needs my dad. I don't know if she loves him because they fight like cats and dogs, but she relies on him and him on her.

It's hard to know when my dad is really sick since he's such a hypochondriac, but I could tell that he needed my mom and was sad when she went home today.
I'm totally bummed that I am missing a fun weekend with a bunch of hippies-granola crunching Art teachers who think make up is the devil, but I know that my mom needed me more than my dad and I needed to stay.

I think I figured some things out

2009-08-31T20:19:00.001-07:00

Do you ever have that epiphany and realize, ah-ha this is how I got here? I sorta had that moment this week/weekend.
On Friday, I had a long overdue blow out with my Mom over my Dad. My Dad hasn't been talking to me because of some perceived slight on my part. To be honest, I had a REALLY bad week a few weeks ago and I wasn't overly nice much less polite around my family. My brother showed up at the house, and I really DID NOT want to talk or hang out with them. So, I got up to go. I talked to my brother for a couple minutes, but before I left my Dad said, "That's okay, we know you don't love your brother." I thought, what kind of crappy-ass emotional bombshell was that? My mom gave Dad hell and told him to knock it off. He said it again because I think I stopped and gave him a dumb stare. Like, did you really mean that? This all occurred a few weeks ago.
On Friday, I called my mom to talk - Dad went in for colon cancer treatment today. He's too damn fat to have the cancer cut out so they are putting these radiation things in his colon. Oh, yeah, that's going to be a whole lot of fun over Thanksgiving when that's the only conversation topic with him. And Christmas. And Valentine's Day. Let's face it, when it comes to your parents and their ailments, that's all they got. There's not a whole lot for them to talk about. Literally, it consumes their every day events. I don't blame them, getting old sucks like hell and I see that they have to concentrate on their health. It's a full-time job, but I also see some of the stuff that my dad does to himself. He was supposed to lose weight. He lost some, but guess what, when you're obese they won't do surgery which would be the best option in regards to cancer, so instead of getting rid of it we have to avoid him. If I were pregnant, which I'm not, I would have needed to avoid him for six months. Anyway, I digress.
My mom told me that my dad was really hurt. And for once I told her, I don't give a damn. You can insert my sailor style of talk in there because that's what I really said, but yelling on the phone when you're mad sounds a lot better than in the light of day printed on a blog page. I went off. I should have yelled at my dad because really that's who needs to hear this stuff, but it doesn't really work like that. So, I de-facto yelled at my dad via mom. I lost it, and afterward I felt awful, but in a good way.
I realized that I am not going to change my parents, but you know what, I don't care anymore. If my dad is going to be a selfish ass then I'm not going to feel sorry for him. My mom tried to guilt me with, what if something happened to him?! I thought, it didn't occur to him to pay any attention to what was going on with me, so why should I bother? My mom taught me too well, when it came to worrying about others. This comes from a woman who would not eat dinner until my father was home. She would wait hours before serving herself dinner...it's just the way she was raised.
My brother figured all this out A LONG TIME AGO. He left home at 18 and never came back. I always thought I was smarter than my brother but in some ways he understood our parents better than I ever have.
So on Friday, I felt like I ran myself through the emotional wringer, but hopefully I won't put my self thru it again and again. I think I've had enough rinse and repeat...rinse and repeat...rinse and repeat...

Open House Night @ school

2009-08-27T23:38:00.000-07:00

So, my black ops swat commando training kicked in tonight @ my son's school. I realized about 10 minutes into the whole situation that A) my son did not have the same stuff on his desk as ALL OF THE OTHER DESKS in the room and B) his name is incorrectly spelled ALL OVER THE ROOM. I noticed the other night on his take home folder that his name was spelled incorrectly, and I wrote the correct version on the cover. I asked B. first and he said that was OK. I think the thing the bothered me was that it's not his name. Is it a big deal? How would you feel if you got business cards but they spelled your name incorrectly? Would you still use the cards or would you return them and have them printed properly? Again, maybe I'm super sensitive.

Anyway, the teacher apologized for the error and explained that she got his name THE DAY BEFORE school started and she received the incorrect spelling. His desk was added at the last minute and she didn't have anymore of the alphabet / number strips to tape to his desk.

OK, now I'm going to lose it here...so if you have delicate sensibilities you may want to stop there. First, my son has been going to that school for 2 years. In his third year (Pre-k, Kindergarten and now first grade) I would expect the main office to know HOW TO SPELL OUR GOD BLESS AMERICA NAME. I'm a broken record...they had NO problem cashing our check, but they couldn't find B.'s name? Ooh, my blood is starting to boil again. I really don't blame the teacher, as this has nothing to do with her. Well, it did put her in a bad situation with an irate parent. OK. I'm trying to be done with this, but again, I don't feel like this is how I wanted my son to be treated.
Next, there are two home-room moms this year. Last year there was this woman who was in charge of setting up parties and all that jazz. She's OK, but I'm kind of a pushy broad like that's some big surprise and up-in-it moms make me nutty.
Anyway, this year, the pushy mom tried to get me to sign up for disinfecting the classroom. I'm like, um yeah, that's not going to work. So sorry...not. I do not want to wipe snot off of every surface in a room of 6 year olds. Ugh. no thanks.

OK, I'm done complaining for now. This blog has taken on an entirely negative tone. I've got to find something to smile about...it's Friday for Yahweh's sake!

Weekends

2009-08-23T18:13:00.000-07:00

Right now, I have two boys being entertained by cartoons and video games. Guess which one is the adult. I could play this game every weekend. It seems that my son loves watching Scooby-Doo on Sundays and my husband loves vegging out on video games. I can't begrudge either of them since I went out and played on Saturday.

Speaking of Saturday, I was so glad I went to see the movie, The Time Traveler's Wife (TTW). I have to say that I forgot a lot of details from the book and so there were surprises for me. Or, the director took poetic license with the story and changed a bunch of stuff around to make the movie work. Either way, I forgot enough of the book to enjoy the movie very much. I read TOO fast when I'm engrossed in a story and I forget story lines and details after I devour a book. I probably couldn't pass a comprehension test based on books that I've read since I skip parts too. I recently read Prodigal Summer and I did the same thing with that book. That book should really be turned into movie. It's just as good as TTW and has some really great characters...instead of Street Fighter IV - The mystery of Chin lee or Sawed XII. Sorry, I guess I'm not the main demographic for movie makers, but lately old timer movies have been pretty good with Julie & Julia and TTW. I want to see 500 days of Summer, but I may wait to rent that. I don't always like Indie films. They get a little too loosey goosey with production values or dialogue. Or they try to be avaunt-guard and I'm SO not that. Anyway...

One of the things that I enjoyed in the TTW and I remember about the book was the fighting between the couple. I believe the author really understood how married couples work and she didn't write the perfect couple, but one that argues and does hurtful things to each other, yet it wasn't a Mr. & Mrs. Smith (Jolie/Pitt) type of hurt each other, but a relationship with warts and all. The movie gave it a good Hollywood gloss with the starry-eyed lovers, but at one point in the movie, Claire's resentments come bubbling to the forefront. She wants a normal life and that's not how life worked out for her. I liked that moment. I forgot about the acting in that moment and I could see a real couple on the screen. I appreciated that sometimes life isn't just a bowl of cherries where everything works out perfect for the couple in the end. I guess I'm OK with the not so happily ever after. The ending was TOTALLY screwed up from the book and that I do remember and I don't know why the director ended it that way, but up until that moment, I was hook line sinker into the movie, and for me the screwed up ending doesn't diminish that I really enjoyed the movie.

Speaking of screwed up endings...Martin Scorsese made a movie with Jack Nicholson a few years ago....the name of it has escaped me...but it was a really GREAT double cross / mafia/ corruption at all levels type of movie. It really had me on the edge of the seat, but then again when does Jack Nicholson disappoint. Well he didn't but M. Scorsese sure did. This movie was great up until the last 5 minutes and then all hell breaks loose and he kills off everyone. It was so absurd. I thought maybe he painted himself into a creative corner, and didn't know how to end it. Who knows, maybe that screwy ending was his intention all along, but it sucked to watch all the baloney after enjoying a really solid movie. It's like going to a really nice restaurant and having a great meal and instead of enjoying a dessert, the waiter comes and sits with you and joins your conversation. You feel like this isn't why I came to this restaurant, and it doesn't take away from the meal you just ate, but going forward, you're no longer enjoying the place.

OK, no great revelations about anyone this week. I'll have to save another day to contmplate type of day...maybe on a rainy day...right now it's just too damn hot to keep writing.

Found out that I can blog while at work

2009-08-21T09:08:00.001-07:00

I got an email today that mentioned my blog and while I'm not one to take time from my employer, I had to see if it would work at work...voila...I'm on baby.
I won't write a long missive (is that the word?), but let's just say that I'm back at work and I've decided that I get why a lot of teachers don't DO summer school.
One little story. We work with a teacher that I won't name to protect the innocent and myself. She complained to me that the new schedule is brutal for her. She has 4 classes in a row. I mentioned that another teacher also has 4 classes in a row. When I mentioned that fact, she said "Oh well someone has to do it. I'm just exhausted every day." I don't remember trying to give her a brutal schedule. At the time, my main thought was to make all the pieces fit like a puzzle, but now that I have the bit of information...it made me smile. Happy Friday.

Now here's something you'll really enjoy

2009-08-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

Well, this is something that you should enjoy. After much hoopla and ballyhoo B. started first grade today. I didn't know how that was going to work. After my melt down last year in the parking lot and being called an amateur by Ms. Coil, I was concerned that I would have another Hallmark movie moment this year. I will admit that tears kinda flowed today, but for totally different reasons. I should say that when tears come (and boy I can cry with the best of them...Tammy Faye ain't got nothin' on me) usually I cry at movies and the realization that time is so fleeting and I'm missing it. Anyway, on Sat. we went to B. school and discovered that he didn't have a desk or a paper apple with his name on it. We paid the tuition in April or May, and they had no problem cashing the check, but they couldn't add him to a roster? When it's first grade that kind of crap is important (to me). I ran into the teacher's aid (from last year and who is the aid for first grade this year) and asked her what was up.

She told us we weren't on the roster, but she'd take care of it. She did - desk and all were ready to go. I was still kinda fuming from Sat. this morning, and when I got there I watched my son walk around the room searching for a desk with his name on it...I about jumped up the teacher's a** and pulled a Shirley Maclaine and screamed, "Where's my baby's DESK...HE NEEDS IT NOW...NOT in 5 minutes...NOW" About the time I felt my temperature rise the teacher realized some other little punk kid had sat at B. seat. The kid wanted to sit there to be next to his friend that was the desk next to B's desk.
Anyway, the teacher realized the error and had the kid move so B. could set his stuff down. I thought, OMG I will tear the teacher's throat out if she dismisses my child in any way shape or form. I'm not a helicopter parent...I'm the Navy SEAL pulling a black ops mission in the helicopter. It wasn't a good realization, but it made me angry that I had to be concerned that my child wouldn't have a chair on the first day and feel left out.

Is it the look on my kid's face when he's searching for a desk with his paper apple on it that stresses me out... or is it the pit in my stomach when I realize that I can't make a paper apple appear and I will take someone out if they slight my kid? To that I say...Not on my watch!

Start of a new year

2009-08-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to stay positive today. I was looking forward to this school year. I finally finished induction and have been in the district longer than 3 years. I felt like I had it made in the shade this year.

Today, I had a really bad moment and I told Sharie I was out of there. I went to my mom's house and laid down for about 2 hours. Tonight I asked God to take it out of my hands and tell me what I'm supposed to learn from today. I will say that I am blessed to work with the people at SC and to have the kind of boss that I can say hey, I'm not feeling well. I'm leaving. And for all of that- I'm thankful.

Tonight, I need to stop feeling so defeated, sad and scared...and really sorry for myself. I know it'll pass and I will keep praying that everything will work out the way it is supposed to work out.

summer fun

2009-08-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

Today went to see Julie and Julia. Enjoyable movie and for once I didn't blubber all over Jennifer. Meryl Streep rocks the crap out of this movie. She does in every movie. She's like this chameleon that you forget is not the real person but the actress, and you have to remind yourself that she really isn't Julia Childs. So, in the movie, the other story is about a woman who decides her life is in a rut -blah blah blah - she writes a blog about her experiences. I laughed because I remembered that I started a blog this summer. When the hubby says she's narcissistic because of the blog. I thought wow, I don't know if I'm that selfish, but it made me think. I really enjoyed the movie today w/Jenn.

Afterwards we went to La Baguette for a late afternoon lunch. EVEN THOUGH THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT WAS EMPTY...the only patron to come in after us chose to sit down in the chair DIRECTLY behind me and of course she had to push her chair right up against mine. I thought Wow, is it me or is the entire restaurant EMPTY? It was funny, but I think I spoke my mind too loudly because when the lady got up to leave she said you can have your space back. Wasn't that kind of her!

The You Tube Vid that brings a smile to your face

2009-08-04T19:01:00.000-07:00

You gotta smile at that kind of joy at a wedding. Snicker if you want, but I think these are fun and happy people.

Best Wedding Dance Ever - Forever - Chris Brown

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

Birthdays

2009-08-03T11:39:00.000-07:00

Today, I had a V-8 slap my head moment. Why did I sign my son up for group lessons? This kid isn't learning anything...in fact...I would argue that he's moving backwards. We went swimming with Kyle - B's best friend - and he had a good time. He wouldn't go under the water but he got more into it as time went on and that's when it hit me. He won't do things in a group, but I think he'd try if it was a one on one situation. All I know is I need to remind myself when summer rolls around next year and look for individual lessons. The group thing is for the birds. What else. I'm not ready for summer to end. I could use another week. I have a lot of stuff I want to do with B. and there's just never enough time..ah well.

So yesterday was my 40th birthday. It was quiet and we did nothing and that's what I wanted.
Oh, and it was also my 12th wedding anniversary. After 12 years together, my husband finally gets it. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, or be responsible in any way.

I really need to get crackin' on next year's plans. It's going to be a whole new schedule for me next year. I don't have journalism and I think I have all different groups of kids. For all I know the schedule could change again by the time school starts.

Summer Reading and Fine Young Americans

2009-08-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

I just read a blog from my friend Coil, and it reminded me of an article I read this morning. First about her blog. She talked about books that we've read after doing a library search. go to her blog to read more: jennysfreckles.blogspot.com (I hope she doesn't mind - I'm sure she'll give me scornful looks if it does).
Anyway, she lamented that we should create a staff library filled with books for us because our fine young Americans don't appreciate all of the great books in the school library. It really is pretty good. We receive books from the state librarian and our Principal-Mr. Dan let's us buy books when he has extra funds (tell me what schools have that kind of monetary discretion - suck it public school monkeys). So, she mentioned that a lot of the books she's read come from the school library. I should tell her that we have a request list that we give to the state librarian twice a year and we should go through Borders Books sometime and put them on the request list. Do you think the state librarian would get suspicious if we requested stuff like Picasso at the Lapin Agile?

So, on to the article...I was reading the Gazette this morning and on the front page was this story about this English teacher (Air Academy or one of the schools on the north side of town) that keeps in touch with her students over the summer via the Internet. She had a few kids that weren't logging in for the summer reading and discussions and she contacted the parents etc. etc. The article says one was in Hawaii blah blah blah. She said it's given her kids a head start. Some do the summer reading right away in June and some wait until like now to get their summer reading accomplished. The article talked about advanced placement kids in art had better be sketching all summer long and the AP history kids have a 40+ page paper due on the first day of school. Again more blah blah blah, but it got me thinking. I don't know if that was the best thing for these kids. Some of the summer reading listed were things like the Bible and the Quaran. I wondered was it the whole Bible or was it just excerpts. Plus, did they have to buy a prayer rug or rosary beads...just curious. Anyway, I don't know these schools and I only have my FY Americans as a reference, but I'm kinda glad I don't deal with those kids.

Critics say that teachers have summers off and they don't work hence the low wages, but after reading this article, it sounded like these teachers do a lot of work on their time in the summer. I could be wrong, but contacting kids and parents during the summer when you know they'd rather be doing anything other than summer reading lists. My kids spend the summer trying to avoid the cops but end up coming back in the fall when they don't go to school. It's a wicked cycle. I can't imagine the kids where I work worrying about completing a summer reading list.

On a side note, I read an article about how the new Sec'y of Education's new platform is moving to a performance pay scale and promoting charter schools. Where I work that would be kind of a Catch-22 suck for me. Half of our students are only with us a short while 2 days or 2 weeks or sometimes 2 months. The other half of our students are with us apprx. 9mos to 1 year. About half of one percent of our students are of age and eligible to complete their GED - next to none are eligible to graduate with a high school diploma. One problem with this scenario is that they stopped going to school when they were freshmen or sophomores in HS (some stop going in 7th / 8th grade). If we are paid for performance what would be our criteria? Residents improve their ability to hot wire a car in under 1 minute or would we be judged on the number of residents who graduate to adult incarcerations? Too much sarcasm there, but it really is unfortunate if our district moves to that type of pay scale.

Worrying for nothing

2009-08-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we project our fears onto our child and sometimes I think we try not to so much that are surprised when they freak out. Yesterday was a bad day for B and me. B. went to swimming lessons in the morning, and I thought since we finally have a nice day why don't we go to the pool after lunch to have fun and practice some of the stuff he's learning.
Let's just say, I had parents and the lifeguard thinking I was an abusive mother and no, I didn't lay a hand on my child. I wanted to throttle him like Homer Simpson would Bart, but no, I was dying a thousand embarrassing deaths while my son screamed that he was going to drown a thousand times. I was mean and told him that I never wanted to go swimming with him again and from now on that I would drop him off at nana/papa's while I went to have fun and then he drove the dagger in my heart when he said ok, I'm a bad boy. It is amazing how easily he won the emotional battles with me, and in the end I felt really horrible for trying to do something that was a lost cause, and I could have avoided it.
After that incident, I tried to repair the situation and just have fun. He wouldn't let me touch him, but we did play shark (someone is it), and we also played Sponge Bob- he does a great Squidword (I think that's the character's name)...anyway, it ended up better than it started but I would still re-do that first half-hour if I could. So, then last night, I started worrying about something else...
David took B. to the dentist this morning to get his tooth pulled. I expected/worried that I would get the Oliver Twist pitiful and abused orphan coming home. Instead I got a happy pain-free child (thanks tylenol) who informed me that the tooth fairy had to give him lots of money for a PULLED tooth. I asked if there were deductions for the cavity...

funny conversation

2009-07-30T15:09:00.000-07:00

OK, I just sent my friend an email. She reads my blog and is probably wondering if I've lost it. So, here's two things that I have to repeat from my email. Instead of cussing (or the appearance of trying NOT to cuss) we have a running joke whichever student makes us the craziest we insert the last name instead of F**K or S**T-H**D or use your imagination. Well I just used the last name of an old co-worker and it sounded really filthy IN MY mind. I said I think my B-day is about to get Sauceda'd...and instead of a cuss word...made me think of dirty Sanchez. I just negated the point of using some one's last name instead of a cuss word. I wonder if this applies to all Spanish surnames or just the ones that start with...S?
I forgot to mention in my LAST blog entry that my crazy Aunt is coming to town. She's got a good heart and she's been really sick, so let me say when I talk crap about her that I'm just ensuring my one-way ticket to hell in a hand basket. BUT, the woman would drive a southern Baptist to drink. Yes, I'm reading another Charlaine Harris -Aurora Teagarden southern style mystery and I love all the Georgia references. She even defines how to define a "nice" southern woman. One question - do friends from Missouri count as southern ? I'll have to ask Coil. VERY funny author...okay, now that I am off topic with my A.D.D.-- the woman is coming to town and my husband made plans to meet up with her when? Oh, that's right this WEEKEND...shoot me. For his B-day next year, I need to re-read this blog and remind myself when he's not getting anything. No, I've decided it'll be fine, but when we go out to dinner I'm ordering the Porter House...just watch me.

So I think I figured out what's wrong with me

2009-07-29T07:40:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling annoyed for the past few days. I've decided it could be that my husband is an ass. For a while I wondered if it was because my birthday is coming up...but that started me thinking about my birthday, and how if he screws up my B-day like he did Mother's Day...Let's just say revenge is a woman's game and hell hath no fury etc.
Anyway, maybe I'm annoyed at my husband or maybe it's because it's my birthday and I am a pessimist thinking he's GOING to screw it up. Or maybe I've been married 12 years, and maybe we're at the point of needing to do a tune-up on our marriage. I know I can't change him...after 12 years...what's to change anyway. Maybe I need some changes...like maybe I need to move the furniture around or paint the walls a new color...metaphorically speaking.

Facing yourself, Facebook and the law of unintended consequences

2009-07-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

So, I signed up for a twitter account and a facebook account. I kept hearing my radio friends talk about their facebook blah blah blahs. I had NO idea what I was missing. That stuff is like crack - well at times it can be like crack. I like seeing my friends and people I used to work with etc. I even enjoyed telling some dumb ass that I didn't like his lame jokes and I wasn't going to follow him anymore, and I promptly blocked his twitters. That was very empowering for some stupid reason. I even got a twitter back from a reporter that works for ABC, and it was pathetic how cool the guy is in my book for answering a question from little 'ol me.

I also have voice on facebook. I can make my sarcastic or pithy little comments and in a few hours when other people have posted their stuff, my comments are already in the past unlikely to be read by too many people. You can read posts, or skip them or click on the links or just go straight to your garden to check on how your pink dahlia is coming along today or see if you can harvest some chestnuts. it's almost zen to listen to the music from Ratatouille play over and over.

Anyway, one of the unintended consequences that smacked me the other day was that I accepted a new friend in facebook. The gal was really nice in high school - prom queen and all that jazz. When she and I became friends I got another request from another girl from high school. Again another nice girl, but this time I started looking at their list of friends and I started recognizing all of these people from h.s.

It wasn't a good feeling at all.

I realized that some of the people stayed in my hometown. Some moved on to other cities - countries. Our valedictorian is listed as living in Germany...what the hell? I assume she became an opera singer. I remember her saying that she was arguing with her parents. They wanted her to become a doctor and she want to be an opera singer...odd memory...but I don't know...for all I know she became a doctor in Germany with the German Opera...so the next consequence I realized is that I don't know these people.

I didn't go to my 10 year reunion. I was getting married that month. I waited 10 years to get married. hell i didn't have Bryan for another 6 years after that. I must be a late bloomer...anyway, I didn't hear or see anything for a 20 year reunion. So, I was bothered by the fact that I started looking at the friends these two girls had and for some reason I was sad.

Part of me never wanted to go back to that little town and think about those people. Part of me was curious to see why the Valedictorian lives in Germany. Most of all, I didn't realize I didn't care if those people know anything about me or my life. I knew I was never going to be one of those people that believe my best years were my high school days...it was the same way that I knew that I wouldn't care a whole helluva lot about getting older. I have friends that took turning 30 hard. I don't want to be there for their 40th!

Anyway, I was sad because I thought once I moved away from that small town, that I wouldn't care if my life measured up to theirs...and yet, the minute I accepted a new friend who was really an old acquaintance...guess what I did...I started comparing where they live now to where I ended up.I realized that's why I had to leave that little town. I still don't have the esteem to measure my happiness by my own yardstick, but I immediately resort to the lame ass insecure girl that moved away some 20+ years ago.

You can never go home again? Is that the saying?

I decided a long time ago that I like being sarcastic. I'm not the girl in the notebook that my friends wrote about all those years ago as being the selfish insecure girl they thought I was. I did say they were my friends right? ugh, pathetic. Why would I keep that memory? Maye I was insecure to enjoy most of it.
I guess my life has been a series of start overs. I started over after my sophomore year in college. My working career started over after I left radio. My life started over in some ways when I married David, and again when I had Bryan. I don't know if start over is the word that I should be using. Maybe it's merely a next phase kind of thing. Like I'm pulling out of this shell to move on to the next one.

One unintended consequence of my life...I met this girl when I was taking classes at the UofP for my masters in secondary ed. The girl was was from the San Luis Valley and she had dated a guy that I knew in college. He had dated a college friend of mine. It was all very dramatic for my girlfriend at the time. But hearing about those events from Trina's point of view was funny and weird. It's like you get to see the world from another perspective, which in the long doesn't mean much, but it's odd knowing that there is more than one truth out there.

I don't really have a conclusion for my stories, but I guess it's a mindless wandering tonight and I wanted to share some of these thoughts before I have to go face swimming lessons for a 6 year old and try and convince him that he has to stick his head in the water if he's ever going to learn to swim.
finally, I guess tonight I realize that I may have more than one truth about myself.

Catching up on some summer reading

2009-07-27T20:01:00.000-07:00

I was reading my EW last night and I realized that I haven't read much this summer. I usually look for stuff that's recommended in EW, but nothing caught my eye.

I was at Border's early this summer with Ms. Coil and I didn't find anything...Well, I saw some books. I couldn't pick them up much less buy any in front of Coil, because I don't think I could handle the reproachful eye she might give me. There are only so many trashy novels you can admit to reading before the cat is out of the bag and everyone realizes that you are nothing more than a hick-town girl listening to Paula Abdul and Madonna when everyone around you is listening to Bauhaus, Dead Milkmen or Scritti Polliti. sorry bad flashback to my first year at the college radio station. I remember the first time I saw a water bong at the station mgr's house...that he shared with what appeared to be 50 other people.
I also remember the first time I met Mary Moses...who will always remain to me the coolest chick EVER! Wow, I don't know where that came from, but anyway...I'm trying to catch up now with the summer reading.
I took Bryan to his swimming lesson. The kid will NOT stick his head in the water. What can I tell him...his mother hates to do it too. I can't criticize him for doing something that is pretty uncomfortable and not a lot of fun.
So, I'm trying to read books that I said I would read. Books that I told myself to read. So far, I keep looking for new books from author's that I've already read.
I have like 20 books on hold at the library. I don't know if I'll read them. I figure take them and try them out. I wish the library was like amazon.com. If you read this...you would like this. Get these 2 books together and read them back to back. Borders knows how to get me to try new stuff just put it next to something that they know you'll like. Harry Potter next to this...Jane Austen next to that...
My mom wants me to read 3 stories (one was unfinished) by Jane Austen. I'm trying to read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I don't like it so far...but I'm trying.

I had all these plans for summer and after summer school, and so far I'm not getting much done. I say I don't know if I am going to teach summer school next year, but you know what, I don't know what else I would do with my time. It would be like these last 2 weeks. I know I should be doing something, but in the end nothing is motivating me to get it done. I don't know...maybe it was the displays.

Kaylee and the watermelon

2009-07-24T08:01:00.001-07:00

After all the hoopla it's time for a nap with Santiago Bob (the dog)

2009-07-24T07:57:00.000-07:00

Bryan and his new best friend Kolyn

2009-07-24T07:50:00.000-07:00

It's gonna be a hot one today

2009-07-24T07:41:00.000-07:00

Spent the day at my parent's yesterday, and at about 2pm I realized that I was sitting and sweating. That is the worst feeling...knowing that you're not doing anything and you're still freak in' hot. Today, we're going to enjoy the summer in a pool of water! Yay. Maybe that'll cool me off from yesterday. I'm going to try and load pictures because yesterday my mother got new reasons to harass me into having another kid. My parents have these life long friends who happen to have a daughter about my age. We met Kaylee- a 15 month old which Punky had when she was 40...what will my age be on Sunday...oh that's right 40! Hey, I wanted a little girl, but, now I'm turning 40 and it's scary as hell...anyway, let's see if I can figure out loading photos.

New Blog

2009-07-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know who I am kidding, but I'm starting my blog. It started when I responded to Jenn's blog and then the continue arrow button kind of pushed me in this direction. I don't blame Jennifer, but I don't know that I'm going to be very good about regularly updating this thing. Old content gets old quick...so we'll see if this a soup du jour or if I can use this to get some of these meandering thoughts out before it leaves me. We'll see...